I Guess I'm a "Lunk"

If you live in this area, you've probably seen the Planet Fitness commercials, with their recurring "lunk alarm" theme.  They're stupid.

Here's one -

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7fhy/planet-fitness-pilatatumba

Now is it just me, or does this class look like SO much fun?  I want to dance and leap and look super hot and make growling motions!  Who is the target audience for this commercial?  People who don't want to be thin and active and have fun?

School Shootings

So there's been yet another school shooting.  Again.  Another one.  And yet again, the opposing sides of the gun control issue are screaming at each other.  GUN CONTROL!  GUN RIGHTS!  GUN CONTROL!  GUN RIGHTS!

I think we need to all just accept the fact that the politicians, NRA, lobbyists, etc are never going to come to a consensus about what the government should or should not do about school shootings.  I wish they would.  I wish they would find a way to solve the issue in a way that makes everyone happy.  But I'm not holding my breath, and neither should you.

Instead of vainly wishing that everyone would agree (with you), we should try to work from a place where we all already agree.  And I think most people can agree on the following:

1) School shootings are bad.

2) School shooters are mentally unbalanced.

So while the gun control fights wage on, let's discuss what we can do in the meantime to help prevent school shootings.  We can't wait for everyone to join hands and agree to X Solution.  We have to act now.

Now, I'm not a psychologist, and I don't claim to be an expert.  But I am really smart, and I spend a lot of time on the Internet, so you know.  I'm to be taken seriously.

I want you to think of everyone you know.  Yep.  Everyone.  Now I want you to eliminate all the females.  I know, I know.  But let's be realistic.  Girls don't pull this kind of shit.  They just don't.

Now I want you to eliminate really old and really young males.  Because four years olds and 90 year olds don't pull this kind of shit either.

Ok.  So now you have a pool of potential school shooters.  Now you need to learn the signs of dangerous mental illness.  Read a psychology book or something.  And also, use your common sense.  A teenage boy who wears black and mopes around and writes bad poetry isn't a dangerously mentally ill person.  He's just a pretentious douche.  He'll grow out of it.   Also, just because a kid doesn't have a lot of friends, that doesn't mean he's a school shooter in training either.  No really.  It doesn't.  And obviously you can eliminate the kids and young men who are actually well adjusted, or who are only mildly mentally defective.

Now you've probably narrowed it down to just a few troubled young men.  I know, you're probably thinking - "It's not my job to get involved.  It's his parents' job."  Yeah, no.  It's your job.  Here's why.

Some parents are too emotionally involved to make objective decisions about their sons.  They don't want to admit that their son could be a psychopath.  And some parents simply have shit for brains and some parents genuinely don't care about their kids.  

So yes, you have to get involved.  

Here's how I see it going - 

You: Hey, Troubled Teen.  I see you're writing something there.  What are you writing?

Troubled Teen: My manifesto.

You: Oh, how nice.

Then you go search Troubled Teen's room and find the little fucker's guns and explosives and you call the freaking cops!!!

I think privacy for teens is overrated.  I'm not saying we should lock up every kid who happens to have read The Anarchist's Cookbook, but I am saying that if you know a kid who is, shall we say, "a bit off" and has exhibited some disturbing behaviours, like torturing animals or stocking up on explosives, maybe you take a peek in his notebook.  Maybe you look in his closet.   Maybe you talk to his friends.  It doesn't have to be some crazy Orwellian monitoring situation.  Just basic checking would go a long way to making sure this kind of shit doesn't happen.

Because totally normal young men don't just wake up one day and decide to shoot a bunch of people.  There are signs.  There is planning.  And it is OUR responsibility to stop them.  Do not rely on the parents.  Do not rely on the teachers.  Do not rely on the government.  If you know a guy who is disturbed, check him out.  Try to get him some help, or call the police as the situation warrants.  

I mean, don't be crazy about it.  I'm not suggesting we form a mob and go get the weird kid who lives down the block.  I'm just saying, keep an eye out for the kind of crazy that kills people.  And if you have good reason (Note, I say GOOD reason.  Not "the kid is weird" or "the kid has a lot of piercings". Good means he has a lot of anger and access to weapons, etc.) to suspect that someone is capable of causing great harm to others, you need to step in and try to help or hinder as necessary. 

When People Pressure You to Have Kids

You often hear childless couples complain that family and friends are pressuring them to have children. They are annoyed by this pressure, and find it to be inappropriate and intrusive.  Of course, no one ever pressured me to have children - likely because you all thought I would be a terrible mother, due to my selfishness and lack of nurturing skills - but if I had been pressured to have children, I probably would have been annoyed by it too.  After all, what business is it of anyone else's if I have kids or not?

But now I'm going to let you childless couples in on a secret.  I'm going to tell you why we who have children are always trying to get you to join us.

It's not because we think you'd be awesome parents.

It's not because we think that having children is the "right" and "natural" course, and that deviating from this natural course is wrong and against God's plan.

It's not because we want to tell you how to live your life.

It's not that we think you're shallow for not wanting children, or that you're missing out by remaining childless.

It's because being a parent is terrifying and isolating, and we don't want to lose you as friends, and we don't want to go through it alone.

After you become parents - or even before, really, when you become pregnant - you immediately start to think of how everything is about to change.  And while some of those changes are awesome and great, some of them are freaking awful.

You imagine your childless friends and relatives will start to think of you as lame mommy and daddy types, and will ostracise you accordingly.  You imagine that everyone is bored to death every time you discuss your child or your pregnancy.  You imagine that everyone will be mad at you when you run late because your baby vomited on you just as you were leaving the house.  You imagine that people will stop inviting you to things because sometimes you have to flake out because you couldn't get a sitter, or because your baby is teething and can't be brought into public.   No one wants to hang out with the woman who can't drink because she's pregnant.  No one wants to hear about your baby's bowel movements.  And the fact of the matter is, once you have a child, it takes up roughly 90% of your mental and physical energy, and focusing on anything else takes a lot of effort.

But.  If your childless friends and family members were to have children too...well then that would change things!  They would understand everything, because they would be going through the same things too!  You could support each other and no one would think you're lame, or hate you because of this major life change that's happening.  

I have to constantly restrain myself from pressuring various friends to have children.  I want to.  I want to so very badly.  But I stop myself, because I don't want to be "that woman".  But I totally am that woman.  I want you to have kids.  Most of you, anyway.  Let's do this together.  Join us.  JOIN US.

Personalized Wedding Hangers

I think I would be the world's worst wedding planner, and here is why:

http://www.weddinghangershop.com/custom-wedding-hangers.html

If you didn't click on the link, know that it is a website devoted entirely to making customized wedding hangers.  Because, you see, when a wedding planner plans a wedding, she thinks of these kinds of things.  

For those few of you who attended my wedding, you'll remember that it was a straightforward and frillless affair, which is how I wanted it.  The very idea of planning a super fancy wedding makes me feel stressed and miserable - I think the actual process of implementing a fancy wedding would kill me.

So I'm not the person anyone would think of to plan their wedding.

However.  Personalized wedding hangers?  Really?

I can't even begin to understand the mind of someone who wants personalized wedding hangers.  Like, what is the thought process behind it?  Is the wedding dress itself not special enough?  Are the bridesmaids really going to be put out that they have to pull their shiny dresses off of ordinary hangers?  Does anyone actuallyl care?  And how does a personalized hanger make the day better?  No, seriously.  Also, what the hell are you supposed to do with the hangers when the wedding is over?  Are you supposed to keep them?  No one but a crazy hoarder would keep such a thing - so it will just be garbage once all the festivities are done.  

I can't be the only person who thinks that this is the stupidest thing in the world.

But the thing is, it's not just some crazy bridezilla who decided that ordinary hangers would ruin her special day.  There are apparently enough of these women (I'm going out on a limb and saying that no men order personalized wedding hangers) that there is AN ENTIRE BUSINESS devoted to feeding this insanity.  

If Nadia wants personalized wedding hangers for her wedding, I will vomit.

My Thought Process Re: Nadia's Scars

Nadia's scars are badass.  She's such a tough little warrior.  My little Viking baby!  She should rock those scars!

Wait - what if she doesn't think they're badass, as she gets older?  What if she's ashamed of them?  What if she doesn't want anyone to know about her scars, or her heart condition?  Isn't that her business?  Shouldn't she be the one to decide if her scars should be hidden or not?  Maybe I should keep her scars hidden for now, so she doesn't resent me when she's older.

But then, what am I telling her about her scars, if I always try to keep them hidden?  Am I telling her that they're something to be ashamed of?

NO!  I'm just telling her that they're private - like genitals.  

Really, Dana?  Her heart surgery scars are like genitals?  What's wrong with you?

Ok, not like genitals.  But still, private.  Medical history is private.  Also, what if people don't know about her surgery, and they think I'm like, abusing her or somethin?  What if people see her scars and say to themselves "What is that horrible woman doing to that baby?  Has she been slicing that baby open and bathing in her virginal blood, like some ghoul in a fairy tale?  I'm going to call child protective services."

OR, what if they see the scars and think to themselves, "Wow.  Why doesn't that mother cover up her baby's scars better?  It's like she wants everyone to see what her baby has been through.  She probaly likes the attention.  She probably is one of those Munchhausen's By Proxy mothers.  She probably drank a bunch of toxic chemicals when she was pregnant to give her baby a birth defect on purpose."

Which is obviously not the case.  But still, Nadia isn't anyone's freak show to be gawked at.  I don't want people feeling sorry for her, or thinking she's sickly or weird.  

But isn't it more important that NADIA not think she's sickly and weird?  Don't I want to instill confidence in her, and teach her that her scars are a mark of badassery?

Aren't I overthinking this?  Most clothes don't even show her scars anyway, so it's a moot point.  It's not like she's going to spend her days topless.

But what about her rompers?  They ALL show her scar if the fabric shifts.  And what about swimsuits? And V neck T shirts?

I don't want other kids to make fun of her, because then I'll have to do terrible things.  

But who says they will make fun of her?  Maybe they won't care at all, as long as Nadia is confident and matter of fact about it.

In sum, I think Nadia is more likely to suffer from having a neurotic mother than from having scars.

Idea for Revitalizing The Harbor

I was talking with my mother in law today about an idea I had for fixing up my hometown area.  For those of you who don't know, the place I'm from suffers from extreme economic depression.  It used to be a logging community, and when the logging industry was drastically diminished due to environmental concerns, huge numbers of people lost their jobs.  Instead of solving the problem by developing new industries, people just decided to do meth and feel sorry for themselves.  Every so often someone decides to start a business - like a theater or a coffee shop or something - but not much sticks.  

I'm no economist, but I do know that it's going to take more than a couple of small businesses to get the place back on track.  

Here is my idea.  Please steal it.  

Grays Harbor needs an industry that plays to its strengths.  What are its strengths? An abundance of unspoiled natural beauty, and a human population who has excellent wilderness survival skills.  You see, everyone in Grays Harbor knows how to fish, hunt, find wild berries, build things, fix things and dig clams.  They know how to cook with local food.  All of them.  And because there are very few people who actually live there, and there is no industry to speak of, the air is clean, and there are trees and rivers everywhere, and you won't get hepatitis from the ocean, like in certain other places I could mention.

So.  My idea is - build a giant eco resort.  

Accommodations

The eco resort would offer three types of accommodations - 

1) Luxury log cabins, made from locally sourced wood, powered with hydroelectric power or wind power.  These would come in a variety of sizes and shapes.  All would have high ceilings, large windows, soft space rugs, organic cotton linens, etc.  Cabins would come stocked with fresh, healthful, locally made snacks, teas, etc.

 2) Luxury tree houses, some with electricity and some without.  The electricity, would of course, be sustainable, - wind or water.  These would be for the more adventurous traveler, and would have a fun "Swiss Family Robinson" vibe.  There would be rope swings, rope bridges, and spiral staircases. Some treehouses would be  connected for families who vacation together.  Some would be private for couples.

 3) Camping grounds.  For odd people who get off on pretending to be homeless.

Food

There would be an onsite restaurant which serves gourmet cuisine made from local food - salmon, huckleberries, blackberries, clams, deer (venison), elk, etc.   Because this is an all inclusive resort, meals will be included in the price of the stay.   

Activities:

* Fishing (with local guides)

* clam digging (local guides can give lessons)

* river rafting (local guide can do pick up and drop off)

* PNW cooking classes

* yoga

* pools and hot tubs (powered by wind or water)

* birding

* wildlife survival courses

* foraging classes (local guide can show guests which plants can be eaten, etc. - then they can make a salad or something with the stuff they find)

* ropes courses/zip line through the trees

* hiking (guided)

* movies

* board games

* "kids club" where adults can drop off their children for fun outdoor activities - mudpuddle stomping, etc.

* shooting/target practice

* archery

Winter/Bad Weather Activities

Of course - most of the year the weather is awful, so many of the activities won't be popular all year round.  But that's ok!  During the awful weather, the focus will be on a "retreat" atmosphere, where guests can turn off their phones, and reconnect with themselves.  

* yoga - there would be a spacious yoga studio, composed mostly of windows, to enjoy the nature without having to be outside in it.  Meditation classes also available.  Other fitness classes, if people have interest.

* movies - there would be an indoor movie theater with large, fluffy chairs.  Popcorn and other snacks would be served, of course.

* board games

* indoor saltwater pool and hot tubs. (Perhaps instead of hot tubs, they could use natural hot springs?)

* cooking classes

* arts and crafts (Native American beading and weaving?)

* hiking (hikers tend to be ok with bad weather)

* reading - there would be a large library with a fireplace and cushy chairs.  Tea, coffee and scones available.

* spa - a variety of massages and beauty treatments available - using "locally produced, organic" beauty products, of course.

* I don't freaking know.  You come up with some ideas.

I think people would actually come to a resort like this.  People have a strong desire to be in unspoiled nature, and the Olympic Peninsula could provide that.  And this would provide jobs for a lot of people - guides, teachers, servers, cooks, maids, construction crew, repair people, etc.  This would play to the best qualities in Harborites, and make use of their resources.  In order to appeal to educated, financially "comfortable" people, it would have to be  very ecologically friendly, and the words "sustainable" "organic" and "local" would have to be plastered all over everything.  It may strike Harborities as obnoxious, but it will get the job done and make people come.  Trust me on this.  Build for rich bohemians who want to get away from the city and their stressful jobs,  and they will come.  

 

My Highly Scientific Lupus Theory

For obvious reasons, I follow lupus research very closely. I recently read an article (I don't remember which journal it was in, so there will be no citations) showing that instances of lupus increase with growing urbanization. This means that as more and more people move to cities, more and more cases of lupus are diagnosed. He specifically discussed an area in Africa where there was almost no lupus until villagers began to move to large cities in search of better work, at which point, lupus diagnoses grew exponentially.

When I read that, I felt so happy, because it (sort of/kind of) confirms a theory I have held for a while now. I'm aware that the explanation for this could be that when people move to cities they have access to better medical care and are more likely to be diagnosed. I am ignoring that for two reasons. 1) It seems wrong to assume that rural doctors don't know what they're doing, just because they made the bad decision to live in a rural area. 2) It doesn't fit with my hypothesis.

Here is my theory, based on my highly scientific observations.

The human immune system evolves based on where you and your ancestors originated. You develop antibodies and resistances to the diseases which you are most likely to encounter in your part of the world. This is evolutionarily prudent, and makes total sense. So my immune system is probably much different from someone who's ancestry hails from sub-Saharan Africa, and and sub-Saharan African's immune system is probably different from someone from China. These immune system differences play a large part in physical attraction between humans. You are more likely to be attracted to someone who has different immunities than you do, because if you breed, you will make babies with super-immunity. You can actually detect these immune system differences by sense of smell. This isn't my own observation - it's actual science. Look it up.

Anyway, my point is we have different immune systems which develop based largely upon ancestral location.

Now here comes the part where I make scientific observations.

Everyone I know who has lupus has undergone a "big move" at some point before experiencing lupus symptoms. By "big move" I don't mean across town. I mean, to a different state or country. For instance, I moved from Washington to California. In addition, many of us have recent ancestors (parents, grandparents or great-grandparents) who underwent a "big move" as well - typically from a different country.

So maybe the factor isn't urbanization - moving to the city - maybe it's just moving in general.

Perhaps there are certain people - maybe people with a genetic predisposition - who's immune systems just can't handle the moving. Our immune systems are wired to deal with specific pathogens, and moving to a new location with its many new and exotic pathogens causes our immune systems to go haywire. It's like the kid who's psycho sports parent shouts too many instructions at him as he's preparing to hit the baseball, and then the coach is shouting at him too, and then his teammates join in, and the kid can't take it anymore and just throws the bat at the umpire, who is the only person who wasn't yelling at him, but he happened to be close by, so...yeah. He just can't handle all this shit anymore, dammit! And he attacks that which he should not attack.

You're welcome, scientific community.