Stop It, Workout Instructors

I go to the gym six times per week, and I take lots of classes.  I need to work out a lot to keep myself sane, and under two hundred pounds.  And while I love most of my instructors, some of the things they do drive me insane.  Here is a list of things fitness instructors need to knock the fuck off.

1) Pretending they don't know what numbers are. 

Not all instructors do this, but enough do it that it needs to be addressed.  You'll be doing pushups or whatever, and the instructor will say "Four more!".  You'll prepare yourself mentally, rationing your energy so as to complete those last four to the best of your ability.  And the smartass instructor will go "Four, three, two, two, two, two, two...aaaaaand ONE!" and then she'll laugh.

Well, I refuse to participate in her sick games.  As soon as I've completed my four, I simply stop and stare at her until she's done pretending to be an idiot who can't count.  I urge you to do as I do.  Eventually the instructors will get the hint and stop trying to fuck with our heads.

2) Insisting that students whoop and holler like trailer trash.

Every.  Single.  Instructor.  Does this.  (Except yoga instructors, obviously.)  At some point during the class, the instructor will say "Wow.  You're all so quiet today!".  Because instructors are an extroverted bunch, and they become intensely uncomfortable with the slightest bit of quiet.  They need constant validation from their students that they are, in fact, enjoying themselves, and unless the students clap and carry on like drunks, the instructors feel blank and hollow inside.  

Dear Instructors: We do enjoy your class.  If we didn't we wouldn't come.  Not everyone likes to scream and shout, especially not when we're sweaty and breathless from exertion.  Learn to love yourself, Dear Instructor.   Your self esteem will shine from within, and it will draw us toward you, like moths to a flame.  

Or, you know, at least let us maintain what's left of our dignity.

3) Insisting that we need to burn off the claories from whatever holiday has happened recently.

I kid you not - in February, I had to hear about working off the Valentine's Day chocolate until FEBRUARY 28TH.  No one eats so much chocolate on Valentines Day that they are still working it off weeks later.  Or rather, the people who eat that much chocolate are probably not hanging out at the gym much.   But it's also Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Labor Day, whatever.  You can bet that if there's been a holiday within a week of the class you're taking, every instructor will make the same lame ass corny joke about how we need to burn off those Black History Month calories or whatever.  Stop it, Instructors.  Stop it!

4)Instructing  us how to smile.

"OK, now extend from the elbow.  And press.  Press.  Press.  And press.  Now lift.  Lift. Lift and lift.  Now bend the knees. And hold.  Pulse.  Pulse.  And turn the corners of your mouth up."  Then shel'll smile at her little joke.  She's tricked us into smiling!  Isn't that precious?

Dear Instructor:  We aren't smiling for a reason.  You are hurting us.  We are in physical pain.  Tricking us into smiling will only make us hate you.  It is not helpful.  It burns no calories.  Just let us be.

Hate

When I was a little girl, I knew several children who were forbidden to use the word "hate".  I distinctly remember a lilttle girl singing "I dislike myself for loving you" on the schoolbus, and thinking she was ridiculous.  After all, "hate" wasn't even a swear word.  What was her deal?

Now, many years later, I still don't really understand the thinking behind this rule.  I figure it must be one of two things - 

1) By prohibiliting the word "hate" you would somehow prohibit the feeling.  You would create a psychological environment in your child where hate was simply not allowed; it wasn't even a thing.  Or at the very least, by removing the word "hate" from the vocabulary, you would dull the child's negative emotions, muting them to mere "dislike" or "annoyance".  

Or, perhaps - 

2) The parents thought it was perfectly okay to feel hate, just not to express it.  

I very much doubt that it was a successful strategy, either way.

I sort of get it.  Hate is generally a very bad thing.  Hatred is the cause of most of the evil in the world.  I totally get wanting to protect your child from it in all of its forms.  And yes, "hate" is a very strong word, and I absolutely support rules prohibiting children from saying "I hate you", or other hurtful language, when it's not justified.

But, like it or not, hate is a part of life, and most everyone will experience a feeling of hatred at some point or another.  It seems to me that trying to ban the very concept of hate, or teaching children to simply ignore hate, is silly, and perhaps even dangerous.  

Because hate does exist.  It is a thing.  I wish I could talk to some of these mothers to see what their intentions were when they made this rule.  I don't judge them harshly - I think their intentions were probably good - and so I would like to hear their side of the story.   Did they ban other words for things they didn't like - things like "sex" and "sugar" and "war" and "guns"?  I'm honestly curious.

Home Sweet Home

I recently met a woman who was born and raised in Los Angeles.  She told me that she felt like a loser, because she'd never lived anywhere else.  She'd gone to college at UCLA, and then got a job in LA, and still lives there now.  

"That in no way makes you a loser" I said, emphatically.  "LA is basically paradise, but with shitty parking.  Why would you feel the need to move?  Everything good is here!"

She explained that she didn't want to be one of those people who never left her hometown.

And I realized that lots of people have this attitude.  They buy in to this notion that if you don't move far away from home, as soon as you're done with school, you've somehow failed at life, and you suck.  

I personally think this is ridiculous.  Whether or not you're a loser is not dependent on whether or not you leave your hometown.  That really depends on where your hometown is, and why you stayed there.  For instance, if your dream is to run a farm, and  you were raised in a rural area, then it doesn't make you a loser to stay in that rural area.  If it's important to you to live in a safe place with a real sense of community, and you were born in a beautiful, friendly small town, it only makes sense to stay there.  And of course, if you were born in a big city, and you love city life, there's no reason to move!  There just isn't.

Of course, it's a good idea to see more of the world, so you don't wind up being a provincial hick - but it's entirely possible to do that and return to your hometown when you're done.  

I would argue that you're only a loser if you stay in your hometown if said hometown is a backwards shithole, and you are only staying there because you've screwed yourself out of options, or you don't have the gumption to make life decisions, and you're just succumbing to inertia.

I left my hometown, but I don't consider myself to be superior or more successful than others because I did so.  I left because there was no way for me to have a good life or be happy there.  I'm someone who needs sunshine and warmth.  I need opera houses and independent theaters and fancy restaurants and Anthropologie and Disneyland.  If I had stayed, I probably would have wound up drinking myself to death, and that's probably not an exaggeration.  Still to this day, when I see Facebook posts from people who stayed in my hometown, it's all like "That same tweaker from last week just took a shit on my front porch again" and "Dude, why do my neighbors keep coming to my house at 3:00am asking for Sudafed?" and pictures of storm damage.  Not the place for me and my family.

That being said, I think it is extremely important to have family nearby.  I would be so extraordinarily  happy if I had more family that lived close to me!  Especially now that I have a child.  It would be so nice to be able to call up a relative and say "Hey, can I drop Nadia off on Friday?  We're going to see a play" and then not have to worry about paying a sitter, child abuse, etc.  Or if I get a stomach virus and am incapacitated, it would be great to call up a relative and say "Hey, can you take Nadia out of here so she doesn't get sick or die from neglect while I spend all my time vomiting?" And Nadia would have the experience of growing up in an extended family, with picnics and birthday parties and shit.  

And those types of experiences are not just important for me - they're important for everyone.  Children were not meant to be raised in a bubble with no one but their parents to call family.  Of course, it can be done, and it can be done successfully, but it's hard, and not as rich.

So if you've made a decision to stay in your hometown, do not feel embarassed about it, or like you've failed at life.  Bottom line, if you are able to have the life you want in the place where you were born, then it's a really, really smart idea to stay there.  Why abandon your family and friends, just because?  Family is important.  Friends are important.  Moving for the sole purpose of making yourself seem more successful?  Not that important.  

Children's Programs and Parenting Skills

Lots of times when I'm watching Daniel Tiger or Sesame Street, I get the distinct impression that the shows are trying to coach me in how to be a proper parent.  (Note: being a good parent, according to kids' shows, generally means pretending that you've had an ice pick lobotomy.)

Here's the thing.  It's one thing for these shows to teach kids to count to ten, or to know their shapes or whatever.  These are reasonably simple, straightforward tasks that can easily be learned via puppet instruction.  But if you, as an adult, go to Stinky the Plant and Elmo for lessons on how to raise a child, your problems are deep and serious.  They are not the type of problems that can be solved with a song and dance routine, however cleverly crafted.

I don't find the parenting lessons insulting, exactly.  They don't make me angry.  On the contrary, I think the makers of the shows are well intentioned.  But it makes me feel depressed that there might be parents who need to be instructed in such basic matters, in such basic fashion, and that there are TV show producers who feel that they are the ones who need to provide this instruction.  

Phil Quotes

Phil is wonderful.  Here are some wonderful Phil quotes for your enjoyment.

"Bellingham is a very conservative town."

Me: "Are you telling me that more than one person here owns a private island?"

Phil: "It's not that big of a deal, Honey.  Lots of people own islands."

(To a man who wrongly accused me of letting my dog poo on his lawn)

"You need to stop harassing my wife, or I will take a shit on your lawn!"

Me: Do you think I'm wasting my brains by teaching yoga?

Phil: (laughs and laughs) I am not touching that question with a ten foot pole.

Me: What?  No, I won't get mad.  I just want to know what you think!

Phil: (goes into the kitchen and turns on the faucet) I can't hear you over the water!

Me: I just mean-

Phil: No, I still can't hear you!

(Driving past the multimillion dollar homes on the way to The Huntington)

"I bet all these people get really annoyed that cars drive past their houses all the time to get to The Huntington."

Only Phil has sympathy for the poor, poor rich people who have to deal with cars driving on the roads.

Microcon!

For those of you following my Facebook posts, here is your answer.  Yes!  We made it into Microcon!  Here's how it went- 

Nadia and I showed up at the library, where the convention was being held.  The meeting rooms and the restrooms are on the same level, so no one stopped me as I went downstairs, assuming I was taking my small child to the bathroom.  

Muh hahaha!

But when I got to the meeting room, it was locked!  LOCKED!  And not one of those pickable locks - it was one of those keypads where you have to know the password.  I did not know the password.  I was sad.  But, I suppose these foreign dignitaries need certain security measures to prevent assassinations/troll attacks, etc.  

But then, a miracle!  Out of the room stepped an extremely tall man, about my age.  I liked his intelligent eyes, and kind face.  I also was extremely impressed with his fancy purple velvet cape, and his metal breastplate.  Yep.  I knew what I had to do.

I waited for a minute, and then I followed him.

Here's the thing.  When you want something from a stranger, you can't just ask, straight away.  It scares people off.  You have to verbally fuck around for a while.  This is where it helps to play dumb.  So I approached him and asked "Excuse me - what's going on in that room down there?"

He was only too happy to tell me!  He explained about Microcon, and how it was a meeting of people who had formed their own independent countries.  He himself was the King of Arcadia.  He introduced me to his family - two adorable children and a wife.  The kids seemed quite happy in their prince and princess regalia - I wanted the princess dress for Nadia - it was truly fabulous.  The Queen was dressed in regular thirty-something-American-mom clothes, and she looked like she needed a hundred beers.  Whether that was from the convention, or from wrangling two small children, or from her queenly duties, I do not know.  

The King of Arcadia then said the magic words.  "Would you like to join us?"

YES.  YES I WOULD.

And so, I was escorted into Microcon by the King of Arcadia Himself!

When we got into the room, a presentation was in progress.  It was a suited young man from California Republic, talking about the plans for updating their embassy.  He had a very fundamentalist look about him.

All around, everyone was fascinating.  There were men in very serious looking military clothes.  There were lots of people in Ren-Faire type clothes.  Many people were dressed in ordinary outfits.  There was one guy who was wearing a crown that looked suspiciously like a Burger King crown, but I withhold my judgment.  After all, it is not for me to look askance at other cultures.  Maybe Burger King is a very important part of life in his country.  

The California Repubic fellow ended his speech, and was followed by The King of Uberstadt, a kingdom located on an island in the Pacific Northwest.  He began telling the story of how he got the idea to form a country, his inspirations, etc.  

And then, Nadia.

I should preface this by saying that it was Nadia's naptime, and I had no business taking her to a meeting of foreign dignitaries.  I fed her a large lunch, hoping that the food would make her content and a bit logey, but it didn't.  Unfortunately, she is conditioned to sleep about a half hour after lunch.  It is our routine, every single day.  Lunch, play for a little bit, nap.  It's Pavlovian.

First, Nadia was fascinated by the cameramen.  (There were cameramen.  Documentary makers, maybe?  Not sure.)  She kept pointing to the cameras, wanting me to take her to them.  I refused.  She started yelling.  "Shhh!" I shushed her.  This worked, sort of.

And then she saw it.  The Hat.

If you haven't spent much time with Nadia lately, you may not know this, but Nadia is very into hats lately.  She LOVES them.  She puts them on.  She takes them off again.  She puts them on  you.  She takes them off of you.  She loves hats.  LOVES them.  

Well this one gentleman had a very fancy, colorful hat with feathers in it.  It was very eye-catching and fun.  Nadia wanted that hat.  She kept pointing at it, over and over, saying "that"  "that"  "that", which is her catch-all phrase for "Give it to me".  I tried to distract her with a pamphlet for the Republic of Molossia, which was even less effective than it sounds, if that's possible.  But Nadia simply refused to respect the King of Uberstadt's authority, and continued to mak noise during his speech.

She began crying.  Crying like the saddest little girl in the world.  And I knew my fun was over.  I suppose I could have tried to get the hat for her, but I don't think that would have gone over very well.  Besides, the meeting was very quiet and serious, and not really a place for a child Nadia's age.  I was extremely disappointed.    

I will probably never get the opportunity to attend another Microcon again.  I am sad.

Concluding Thoughts - 

I know that to most people, these folks are crazy.  Deserving of contempt even.  They are jokes.  But I actually rather respect them, and here's why you should too!

It takes a very special and awesome kind of person to decide to form a brand new country.  There are certain personailty traits one must have to take this kind of action.

1) Confidence

You must have confidence in yourself and your own abilities in order to say "You know, I think I could run my own country!"  Some people might call it over-confidence, or even arrogance, but those are the kinds of people who lack confidence themselves, and who feel threatened by people who aren't crippled by self-doubt.

2) A Can-Do-Attitude!

To start your own country, you have to be the sort of person who is willing to roll up your sleeves and solve problems yourself.  You don't wait for politicians in Washington to solve your problems for you, or for lobbyists to help your cause - you just do it!  Yourself!

3) Imagination

People who start their own countries are not bound by the conventions of the societies into which they are born.  They have the creativity and imagination to see that the world could be different.  They have an idea in their minds of what they want the world to be, and they do their damndest to make it happen!  

4) Independence

If you form your own country, you open yourself up to ridicule and scorn.  They know this.  They have no illusions about how they are perceived by others - but adhering to their principles and ideals is more important to them than acceptance in mainstream society.  We can debate whether this is actually a posititve trait or not - after all, it is important to work and play well with others, as humans are social animals - but I think we can all agree that a certain amount of independence is desirable in most people.

Are these countries doomed?  Probably.  Are they taken seriously by "real" countries?  No.  Are they making any real difference in the world? Meh, debatable.  But I still think there is something admirable about microcountries and the people who found them.  These are people who were, for whatever reason, unhappy with the way things were in their natal countries, and so, rather than whine about how awful things are, they simply said "Fuck it.  I'm gonna start my own country.  And everything's gonna be done exactly how I want it done.  I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate!"  Is it the most effective solution?  Probably not.  But dammit, they do it anyway.  And I like that about them.

Teaching Kids to Share

It's extremely common for children's programs to tackle the "sharing" issue.  And with good reason!  Generosity is one of the most important characteristics a person can have.  I would be extremely disappointed if Nadia turned out to be a miserly person who refused to help others in need.  Helping others who need help is, in my opinion, like 85% of what it is to be a good person.  

However.

The way in which these children's programs tackle the subject leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The show or book will start off with two characters.  We'll call them Ben and Jerry.

Ben has a really cool toy.  He's playing with it by himself.  Jerry comes up to Ben and says he wants to play with it.  Ben says no, because it's his toy, etc.  Jerry whines.  A teacher or other well meaning adult intervenes and makes Ben share the toy with Jerry.  Together, Ben and Jerry learn that it's much more fun to share the toy than it is to play with it by oneself.  The end.  

Ok.  So Ben has learned that sharing is a good thing to do, and that it can even be fun.  Great!  I fully support this message.

But what has Jerry learned?

Jerry has learned that if he wants something that someone else has, he is entitled to it, or at least to a portion of it.  If Jerry lacks a cool toy, then it is Ben's responsibility to share his cool toy with Jerry.  Jerry is never encouraged to find his own toy.  Jerry is never told that he should wait until Ben is done playing with the toy, and then play with it.  It is always Ben who forced to share, whether he wants to or not.  

Also, it is never, ever discussed that Ben might have a good reason for not wanting to share with Jerry. Maybe that toy was given to Ben by his dead grandmother, and it is special to him, and he wants to make sure it doesn't get broken.  Maybe Jerry is a gross kid who wipes his boogers all over toys.  Maybe Ben simply doesn't like Jerry and doesn't want to play with him.  

I know that I'm moving into morally fuzzy territory here.  After all, it's mean for Ben to exclude Jerry from his game, isn't it?  Shouldn't all kids get along and be nice to each other and like each other?  Yes, in an ideal world.  But in reality, some kids are not very likeable, just like how some adults are not very likeable.  It's never ok to be cruel to someone we don't like.  Children need to know that it's NEVER ok to be mean to another person.  We have to control ourselves and make an honest effort to be kind, even to mean, gross people.  But it doesn't follow that we have to spend our free time socializing with people we don't like.  

I am terrified of the day that some evil little asshole is mean to Nadia.  Of course, I hope that it will never happen, that she will be universally loved by everyone she meets, and that she will never lack for awesome toys to play with, and that her entire life will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows.  But that might be a tad unrealistic.  Someday, there might be a little tyrant on the playground, who has the most awesome of all possible toys, and maybe Nadia will ask to share it.  I hope that the little tyrant says yes, and allows Nadia to play with her.  But if the tyrant refuses, I hope that Nadia maintains her dignity, refuses to whine to a teacher, and finds new friends and makes her own fun.