Really? That's What Makes You Beautiful?

Today I heard this song that I hated. The lyrics went like this: "You don't know you're beautiful. That's what makes you beautiful". Over and over again. I'm not sure who the recording artist is or what the name of the song is (I'm guessing it's "That's What Makes You Beautiful" or something equally inane), but if I find out I will make a conscious effort to never buy any music by that person/group. Because those lyrics disgust me. Here's why.

First of all, beautiful girls know that they're beautiful. Because contrary to popular opinion, beautiful girls are not all idiots.  They know that they are beautiful because they can tell by how they are treated by the world, and they have eyes in their heads and are surrounded by mirrors and cameras and the like, just like everybody else. Now, they may not ADMIT to knowing that they are beautiful. But that's a societal constraint, and has nothing to do with the reality of the situation. Our society expects women to be modest and self deprecating, and encourages women to view themselves with a certain amount of self loathing, so it would be social suicide in many circles for a woman to readily declare herself to be knowingly beautiful, on the outside. For crying out loud, you even hear supermodels complain about how "gangly" and "awkward" they are, when you know, they're obviously supermodels. It's not a job you go into if you actually are or think you are ugly.

The only exception I can think of is female R&B recording artists, many of whom have managed to step outside this societal constraint. There may be other pockets of resistance, but I'm not aware of them

But let's say that the woman in this song is some kind of rare mutation. Maybe she's blind, so she really doesn't know for sure if she's beautiful. Or maybe she has body dysmorphic disorder or something. WHY IS THE "NOT KNOWING" THE IMPORTANT FACTOR HERE? WHY IS THAT WHAT MAKES HER BEAUTIFUL?

Is the recording artist saying that a woman who acknowledges and celebrates her beauty is somehow less beautiful than the one who despises herself like a good girl? Why is being unaware of reality, and ignorant of your appearance appealing? Does this man perhaps want a woman with low self esteem, so he can be assured that she will never leave him for a man who writes better music? Does he feel intimidated by a woman who loves herself and is confident?

I think a lot of this mentality hearkens back to the notion that spending time on your looks, or caring about how you look somehow makes you shallow and stupid. Therefore the ideal woman is so pure and modest and self-effacing that she will literally have no idea that she is beautiful, because her mind and spirit are above such trivial things as "appearance" and "looks" and "beauty".

But guess what? No one is above it. No one is immune to beauty. As Palaniuk says "Beauty is power like money is power like a gun is power". Expecting women to be above and outside the influence of beauty is unrealistic and stupid. And trying to put women in these little boxes of false modesty - or perhaps real self hatred - is unhealty and wrong.

And so I say to you, Mr. Recording Artist - Grow a pair. If you can't handle a strong woman who is aware of her power and comfortable in her own skin, and you prefer a shrinking violet who needs YOU to tell her she's pretty, then you will get EXACTLY what you ask for. Which is a woman who needs you to tell her she's pretty - a lot. She will get clingy, and need reassurance from you - a lot. She will get jealous if you smile too much at the waitress. She will follow you home from work to make sure you're not stopping off at some other chick's house. She will cry and be insecure and needy - all the days of your life together. And you will get tired of her and dump her, and then bitch about how all women are crazy and psycho. And that will be the story of your love life.

LDS Poshumous Baptisms - Wait! Just Hear Me Out, OK?

Recently I was reading an article about Elie Weisel, the author of "Night". He is a writer who I greatly admire. In this article, he was upset because the LDS church engages in posthumous baptisms of Holocaust survivors. And I have trouble understanding why this upsets him so much.

But before I start, let me tell you where I stand on the LDS church, so you know I'm not coming from a place of overt bias.

I am not a member of the LDS church. I know quite a bit about them however, both because that's the kind of stuff I like to research because I'm a giant nerd, and because in high school I considered dumping my boyfriend to go out with a LDS boy I had a crush on named Andy. I started learning a little about his religion so I knew what I was getting myself into, but then he told me I looked like a whore in my shiny white boots and my crush abruptly ended.

Anyway, after learning about the religion, I have to say that I disagree with many of the conclusions to which they have come. But, I think they also do a lot of things right. Most of the LDS members I have met have been extremely good, kind people. Some of them take the whole "wholesome-good-cheer" thing to excess, and it can be a bit....unsettling...but I believe that no religion that is wrong through and through could produce so many genuinely nice people. Like most religions, they've got some things right, and they've got some things wrong. That is what I'm saying here.

OK, back to the point. The way the posthumous baptism works is this:

A person dies who is not a member of the LDS church. However, this was a good person - someone who the LDS church would not like to see burn in Hell. Like most religious sects, the LDS church believes that if you are not a member of their church, you will go to Hell. So to remedy this situation, the LDS church will baptise the unsaved soul AFTER she has died. I don't know the specifics of the ritual, but basically they pray to God asking him to give Dead Person X the option to claim herself to be a member of the LDS church when she gets to the afterlife reckoning. It's the LDS equivalent of a Get Out Of Jail Free card. For instance, if I died, and LDS did a posthumous baptism on me, and God was about to send me to Hell for being Episcopalian, I could say "WAIT! The LDS church prayed for me! Let me into Heaven!" and God would be cool with that.

Why would anyone object to such a thing? Here are the reasons I can think of:

1)People believe that the LDS church is evil, wrong, and a morally corrupt cult. Therefore baptising someone into that church against her will is also morally corrupt.

My response:
The LDS church doing a baptism on you without your knowledge, after you're dead, has absolutely no affect on how you lived your life; nor does it actually change your religious affiliation. It's really not any different than Catholics who pray for the souls in Purgatory.

Perhaps people are concerned that being baptised LDS after they are dead would affect their chances of receiving salvation in the afterlife. But seriously? Can you imagine if God were like that?

"Well, human. I see you lived your life according to Correct Religious Sect, and were a morally upstanding, kind person in life. However, the LDS church baptised you without your knowledge, after you were dead. And as you know the LDS church is an evil cult. So, to Hell you go."

If God were like that I would immediately convert to Satanism, because let's face it. If I were to get into Heaven and meet God face to face, and he pulled that shenanigans, I would argue with him. Yes. God and I would have words. And then I would be sent to Hell anyway, so I might as well get in good with Satan as soon as possible to ensure a better Hellacious spot.

2)People are atheists and would not like to be affiliated with any religious organization.

My response:
Again, their baptising you after you are dead makes no obligation upon you. You don't have to start attending church services or anything like that. You will know, and everyone who knew you will know, that you were not a member of the LDS church. And since you're an atheist, you aren't concerned with the baptism affecting your chances of getting into Heaven anyway, so just suck it up. Remember Christopher Hitchens? You know, the guy who wrote "GOD IS NOT GREAT"? Even he, when dying of cancer, stated that he didn't mind if religious people prayed for him in his time of need, because he didn't wish to be "churlish about it", and he accepted with placidity their good wishes and good intentions.

3) People believe it is disrespectful to baptise someone into a religion that they did not subscribe to; particularly in the case of Holocaust victims who died specifically for their practiced religion.

My response:
This is slightly more understandable. But only slightly. Again, posthumous baptisms do not change history. They do not actually alter the religious preference of the person being baptised. All it is supposed to do is give the dead person the OPTION of changing their religious preference after they die, if they want to. Again, think of the Catholics praying for the souls in Purgatory.

I think in this case, the worst LDS could be accused of is like, name calling. "The LDS church called me an LDS member! But I wasn't! I was a Buddhist! Those bastards!" Calm down, OK? They're trying to do nice thing. Yeah, it might be a little weird, and maybe not 100% logical, but it's not hurting you, you know? It doesn't take away from the life you lived, or change the person you were, or alter anything about you in any way.

Let's say I were to be burned at the stake for being an Episcopalian. I don't know why that would happen, but let's just say it did. I died for my religion, a beautiful fiery martyr singing praises to the Lord, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Now let's say that the LDS church baptised me after my death, so I could choose LDS as my religion if I chose to do so. That wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Though I may not agree with all of their religious tenets, and I am perfectly content with my own religious preference, I certainly wouldn't spurn their goodwill toward me. If anything I would be touched that they cared.


So anyway, that's my take on the subject. Please don't set my house on fire.

If You Follow These Rules...

The world is full of health advice, and as a thinking person who cares about her health, I always try to pay attention to new health warnings, dietary rules, and guidelines for better health. Fortunately, the medical community - including doctors, nutritionists, holistic health practitioners and scientists - have made it incredibly easy to maintain your health with simple lifestyle changes. So I have compiled the following list of rules and placed them all in one place, here for your convenience. You're welcome.

You should drink as much water as you possibly can. Your body is 196% water, and you need to drink water at all times, preferably via a precious water bottle that you carry with you always.

The water you drink is full of dangerous chemicals and toxins, and drinking it is probably what is making you sick.

Melons must only be eaten by themselves. Otherwise, the melon juice will rot and ferment in your guts.

Meat is horrible and must be avoided at all costs.

Meat is good for you. Our ancestors ate lots of meat, and probably lived in a state of ketosis. You should eat meat too. For the protein and iron.

Meat is only good for you if it's free range and organic. You should hunt your own meat if you can. Eat the organs too.

Fish is the best thing ever, and you should eat many servings of it, as often as you can. The fish oils will prevent you from getting sick.

Fish is full of mercury and other harmful chemicals and should never be eaten, especially if you're pregnant.

Eggs are one of the most nutritionally complete foods in the world. You can live entirely on eggs and orange juice.

Eggs are horrible for you because they are full of cholesterol, which will kill you.

Egg whites are good for you, but egg yolks will kill you.

Potatoes are the devil, full of carbs.

Potatoes are nutritional powerhouses. With the skin, they have more vitamin C than oranges!

You should never eat potatoes, eggplant, or tomatoes, because they are in the nightshade family and will give you MS.

Pasteurized dairy will give you MS. Pasteurized dairy will kill you.

All dairy will kill you, especially the non-organic kind.

Eat yogurt every day. Yogurt is the best thing you can eat, because of the calcium, protein and probiotics.

Jogging is good excercise. Our ancestors ran a lot, and so it's good for you.

Jogging is bad for you, because it destroys your joints.

Butter is bad for your because it's fatterning and full of dairy.

Margarine is good for you because it's not as bad as butter.

Margarine is the worst thing you can eat, because it's full of chemicals and trans fats.

A diet that is low in fat is the best, because it reduces your risk of heart disease, and keeps your weight low.

A diet that is high in fat is totally fine. Fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar makes you fat.

Sugar should not even be called a food it is so bad for you. Never eat sugar. Ever.

Sugar is a natural food and is fine in moderation.

A glass of wine every day is good for you. As long as it's red wine.

Don't drink alcohol. It's bad for your liver and kidneys, and can lead to alcoholism.

Drink teas, especially green teas. They have good antioxidants, which prevent cancer.

Don't drink caffeine. It is too stimulating to the nervous system, and can be addictive.

Never drink water with ice in it. It slows down digestion.

Drinking water with ice in it is a great idea, because your body actually burns calories drinking it, because the water has to be warmed by your body in order to absorb it.

Drink a glass of water with food to aid in digestion, and to prevent you from overeating.

Never drink anything with food. Only drink before or after a meal. That way you can digest your food properly.

Eat 3 square meals a day, and don't snack between meals.

Eat many small meals throughout the day to keep your blood sugar balanced and to keep your metabolism firing.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Eat a big breakfast every day.

You don't need to eat breakfast unless you're doing manual labor. Otherwise, breakfast should consist of fruit juice or a piece of fruit.

It's best to do juice fasts frequently. This gives your body time to heal itself, because it's getting ample nutrition without having to expend energy on digestion.

Never deprive yourself of food, because that will make your body think it's starving, and your metabolism will slow.

80% of what you eat should be raw.

50% of what you eat should be raw.

Don't eat raw vegetables, because they are difficult for your body to digest.

Soy is good for you. Not only is it a healthier alternative to meat (for instance, tofu, tempeh, etc., is better for you than pork chops) if you eat 6 grams or more per day of soy protein, it reduces your risk of dying.

Soy is not suitable food for humans. There are too many estrogens in soy, which are harmful, especially for men.

Peanut butter is a good vegetarian source of protein and fats.

Peanut butter contains molds and sugar and fat and will probably kill you.

Stress is bad for you. You should eliminate stress in your life as much as you can.

Hard work is good for you. Make sure you work hard, every day.

Only eat organic, locally grown produce.

Eat a wide variety of foods!

You need large amounts of protein to build and maintain muscle.

Too much protein is bad for you. Ketosis is bad, because it is hard on your kidneys and makes your breath stink.

Dairy is good for you, because the calcium strengthens your bones.

Dairy leaches calcium from your bones. That's why the countries that consume the most dairy have the most fractures and osteoporosis.

You need 20 minutes of exercise 3 times per week to maintain health.

You need to take a 30 minute walk every day to maintain health.

You need to do an hour each day, 6 days per week, of intense excercise such as weight lifting or high intensity cardio, to maintain health.

You need to wear protective footwear anytime you exercise, for safety reasons.

You should do all excercise barefoot.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by vaccines.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by environmental toxins.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by poor diet.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by stress.

Autoimmune diseases are psychosomatic, caused by self hatred.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by a lack of vitamin D.

You should not go out in the sun, because it will give you skin cancer, and make your autoimmune disease flare.

You should go out in the sun, because autoimmune diseases are caused by a lack of vitamin D.

You should take a vitamin D3 supplement.

You need to take a wide variety of dietary supplements and vitamins for optimal health.

You don't need to take vitamins, just eat a healthy, clean diet.

Gluten will kill you.

Grains are bad for you, since the human body is designed to live on a hunter-gatherer diet.

Whole grains are good for you, because they are good for your heart, low fat, and contain fiber.

Rice is bad for you because it is a grain.

Brown rice is good for you. You should eat a lot of brown rice, since it has a low glycemic index and lots of fiber.

Brown rice is only acceptable if it's organic, and then should only be consumed in small doses.

Goat's milk is easier for the human body to digest. Try to eat goat milk instead of cow milk.

Unpasteurized dairy is bad for you and will kill your babies.

Unpasteurized dairy is good for you and is why the French don't die.

Nuts are a good source of fat and protein, and are an ideal snack.

Nuts are bad for you because they are high in fat, and are difficult to digest. They will also give you the gout.

Getting pregnant will make your autoimmune disease go into remission.

Getting pregant will kill your baby and you because you have an autoimmune disease.

Carrots are good for your eyes. Eat lots of carrots!

Eating too many carrots will make you turn orange.

Canned tomatoes will kill you.

Popcorn is a great snack, because it's fast and low calorie, as long as you con't drench it in butter or caramel or whatever.

Popcorn will kill you. Don't eat popcorn, especially the kind in the bag.

Oats are meant for horses. Don't eat oats.

Oats are good for you because they lower your cholesterol and such.

High cholesterol will kill you. Don't eat foods with high cholesterol.

Cholesterol will kill you, but it has nothing to do with what you eat. Cholesterol is produced naturally by your own body, and if it's high, it's because of genetics.

Cholesterol levels have no bearing on your health whatsoever. Don't waste your time worrying about cholesterol.

High fructose corn syrup will kill you.

High fructose corn syrup is not that bad for you. Just go ahead and eat it.

Soda is bad for you. It will give you diabetes and psychologial problems.

If you have an upset stomach, drink Sprite or Ginger Ale!

Onions and garlic are bad for you. They are not allowed in Ayurvedic cuisine.

Onions and garlic are good for you, and you should eat as much of them as you can.

Vaccines are the devil and cause all kinds of medical and emotional problems.

Vaccines have saved mankind from numerous plagues and are to be given to everyone, all the time, always.



Let's get healthy!!!

Setting Babies On Fire

It makes me sad that fire retardant baby clothes exist. I don't mean fire retardant childrens' clothes- children run about and get into all kinds of mischief that could burn them. But infants can't get into any mischief, or any dangerous situations, unless they are placed there by someone else. Infants can move their arms and legs and heads, and they can roll a little, but that's it. How are these infants being set on fire? Here are the only ways I can imagine:

1) You set your baby on top of the kitchen stove, while it is on.....for some reason.

2) You set your baby so close to a burning fireplace that sparks are landing on the baby, or the baby can flail into it.

3) You are a firefighter and you thought it would be a good idea to bring your baby with you into a burning building for "take your daughter to work" day.

4) You fell asleep while holding both your baby and a lit cigarette.

5) You, or someone else, deliberately set the baby on fire. In this case, flame retardant clothing won't help, since the murderer would just remove the clothes.

6) Your house is on fire and your baby burns to death. Though in house fires, it's usually the smoke that kills, not the flames. Anyway, flame retardant clothes would not be helpful in this situation.

7) Your baby has been tried as a witch and found guilty.


Seriously? No. Your baby is not going to catch on fire unless you are basically TRYING to set it on fire. You would have to be negligent to the point of insanity for your infant to catch fire. People are so freaking paranoid.

A Story From Each Country

Todos Santos, Mexico: I am protected by a number of elderly people.



In Mexico, Phillip decided to do the zip line. I declined, because the Medical Condition Which Shall Not Be Discussed prevents me from hiking uphill for 3 hours under the Mexican sun. Instead I opted to take a tour of Todos Santos, Mexico, which is a little artsy town, and the home of the ACTUAL Hotel California. (It truly is a lovely place.)


From minute one of the tour, a flock of elderly people decided that I needed protection and care. First, an elderly gentleman was concerned about my lack of sunblock (I forgot to bring some). I shrugged it off, since I planned mostly to see art galleries, which would be shaded. But then another elderly couple got wind of the fact that I didn't have sunblock with me and forced the bus driver to stop at a "pharmacia" so I could purchase sunblock. I dutifully got off the bus and purchased my sunblock, and returned to the shining happy faces of the old people who now nodded at me with approval.


At lunch, a different old lady sitting next to me asked what I planned to do in town during our free time. I said I was just going to walk around and explore. She told me that it was not safe for me to walk around alone, and that I would be going shopping with her and her husband. I obeyed.


When I mentioned at lunch that I was allergic to gluten, everyone at the table became immediately concerned, asking the waiter all kinds of questions about the food in Spanish. (In retrospect, I probably should have learned how to say "allergic to gluten" in Spanish, but hindsight, you know....)


The town itself was cute, with good food and lots of artsy shops. But what I remember most is how strange it was to have so many people concern themselves with my welfare.




El Baul, Guatemala: The Museum Trip That Almost Wasn't


I was super excited to see the El Baul Archaeological Site in Guatemala. Ancient Mayan Ruins! Yes please! I was basically Indiana Jones. So we signed up with a tour company and off we went.


We were escorted in a van. Not like, a nice tourist group van, but just a regular van. Which was odd for me. But then once we started to see Guatemala, I understood. It is literally the poorest place I have ever been. It makes
Tijuana look like a decadent shrine to luxury and excess. Everywhere there are shacks made out of...whatever...and cows with their bones jutting out from starvation and fruit stands that sit in front of rotting piles of garbage, manned by small children who should be in school, but aren't. That being said, the landscape was beautiful; all tropical and green. There weren't a lot of cars; people mostly walked or rode scooters or bikes.


I was pretty freaking excited to get to the Mayan Ruins museum. It's located on a plantation. The plantation was interesting, and kind of cute, with rows of huts leading up to a large, liveable looking house. There are maybe 15 families who live there. They have their own little church, their own soccer teams, and it seems to be a nice little community. The tourguide explained that the families were allowed to live there for free, in exchange for working on the farm.


Oh....so like sharecropping......k.....


Anyway, the museum is located in this plantation, since the ruins were found in the ground there on the farm. It was about a two hour drive to get there from where we started. And when we arrived we were told that we couldn't go to the museum because the owner was gone, and no one knew where the key was. K.... So we drove back into town and ate at a heavily locked restaurant - we had to get out and knock so they would open the gate- and waited an hour or so. THEN we were able to see the museum because the owner had returned. It was extremely hot inside - no air conditioning - but the artifacts were remarkable.


They even had a fully intact Mayan King Throne.


I wanted to sit on that throne. I bided my time until everyone was looking at knives or something. Then I bolted. I jumped up on the platform, skirted around glass cases and plunked myself down on the throne. I am a Mayan Queen Indiana Jones.



Leon, Nicaragua: We Befriend A Sandanista


Leon is a very cool town; very colorful and gritty. Super hot, but worth it. We were on a guided tour of the Cathedral there, which is AMAZING - it's a UNESCO World Heritage Site, and it's stunning in every way. But after a while, Phil and I got bored and decided to leave the tour and explore on our own a bit. While wondering around, we found a little place called "Museum of the Revolution". The name was in Spanish, but I got the jist. Phil and I decided to go in; after all it was only 2 dollars.


We were greeted by a man about two inches taller than me, who was to be our tourguide. He didn't speak a word of English. The entire tour was conducted in Spanish. Fortunately, I'm pretty good with languages, so by this time (day 4) I had picked up enough to kind of understand him, a little, and Phil took 3 years of Spanish in high school, and he suddenly remembered a lot of it, which was very useful. The tourguided had himself been aligned with the Sandanistas, and still has shrapnel in his head from a bombing. He made me touch his head. Yep. That's shrapnel. He was in some of the newspaper articles we were shown. He gave us a number of weapons and let us play with them. After the tour of the museum, which was small, our tourguide took us up on the roof. I didn't know that's where we were going, I was just following him up the stairs. The roof was made of tin, and was very rusted, and had holes in it. Super safe. But our guide just pulled me up onto the roof, PHil following behind. The guide helpfully navigated me over the holes.


The view was amazing.



Panama City, Panama: Childcare Is Different In Different Places



Phil and I were exploring Panama City on our own one night at around 9pm. We rounded a corner and heard LOUD techno music. Obviously there was a rave going on or something. We kept walking toward the music to see what was going on, and it let us to....a playground. It looked like a regular elementary school, with a fenced in play area, and it was filled with kids around ages 6-10. They were running and dancing and leaping all over the place! It was pandemonium, but they looked like they were having a blast. Phil and I stood watching, amazed. In the States, little kids don't have nighttime raves at their elementary schools. If someone tried it in the States, someone would lose her job. We started to take pictures, but then realized we looked creepy taking pictures of dancing children, so we just left.


Also, Panama is beautiful. I could live in Panama. No question.




Isla de Corazon, Ecuador: I Make A Scene and Ruin Everyone's Fun



First of all, we spent three days in Ecuador and I just want to say that overall, it is a wonderful place filled with wonderful people and perfectly filling breakfasts. I don't want to negatively affect your perception of Ecuador, based on the story I am about to share. It was just one place.


We took a boat to Isla de Corazon, which is a little fishing community. They have recently started doing tourism to supplement their fishing incomes. With good reason! Their island is lovely, and there were so many birds flying around that the sky looked dirty with them. So many that they provided shade from the sun. So many birds that I actually started to get a little frightened because that many animals swarming around is always a little unsettling. But it was a really cool experience. When we got to the island, there were grass huts and hammocks and little kids swimming and it was very idyllic and awesome.


And then I saw it.


There was a dog with the most mangled leg I had ever seen. It jutted out from his body at an odd angle, and then at a couple other odd angles, all jagged. Part of it looked like raw meat, inflamed and angry and festering.


I ran to the tourguide and said "Someone needs to help that dog! It's been injured!" She looked around, and saw the dog. She found the owner and talked to him in Spanish. The owner told us that the dog had been hit by a car. TWO YEARS AGO. He laughed as he told this story, as if it were an amusing anecdote. "Two years ago?!!!"I shouted. "That is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE". I could hear my voice getting shrill, and I could see people staring at me, but I didn't care. I was enraged. I ran over to the dog. "Come here injured dog" I cooed. "You're coming home with me". I beckoned with my hands, calling in a soft, friendly voice. Phil came up behind me, put his hand on my shoulder and led me away, saying "We can't take the dog, honey".


"Well I can't just leave him here!" I said, now in full on shrieking mode. Phil tried to soothe me saying that I can't steal the dog, because I'll get locked up in Ecuadorian prison. "Why? They obviously don't give a shit about it. They'd probably be glad to see it go!" Phil murmered something about different cultures and different priorities, and I stalked off, angry. The tourguide and the rest of the group were clustered around a table, drinking mimosas and beer. She came up to me and offered me a mimosa.


"No!" I snapped, and went to the boat, where I sulked for the remainder of the tour. The tourguide and others came up to me later and said things like "Not to excuse it, but these people are very poor" and "NOt to excuse it, but blah blah, excuses excuses".


Here's my take on it. If you don't have the money for the vet, don't have a dog. Or if you don't have the molney for a vet, and for some reason you have to have a dog, and it becomes severely injured and can barely walk because it's in so much pain, you are NOT too poor to do this Mice and Men style. Put it out of it's misery. Man up.


If you're ever in Ecuador, have their breakfast! It's these wonderful huge balls made of plantains, stuffed with cheese. I had that with eggs and orange juice and it was great! I wish I had some now.




Overall impressions:


This was a fantastic trip! I recommend that you go to all of these countries, especially Panama! And don't be afraid to explore on your own there! If I could do it all over, I would try to learn Spanish before I went, but I managed OK with the little Spanish I learned. There was a lot of fascinating wildlife like monkeys and toucans and crocodiles - just out in nature - which was really cool to see. Wonderful trip!

health update

Hello. I get asked questions about my health a lot. I hate talking about my medical problems, but I appreciate everyone's concern. Truly. So here, in concise form, is an explanation of what is going on with me and my traitorous body.

I have an autoimmune disease. It's called Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease. Basically, it means that my immune system is attacking my body. It can strike anywhere. It causes me joint and muscle pains, fatigue, weird skin rashes, increased suceptibility to infections and all manner of weird things.

Last year I was having horrifying stomach pains. After seeing several doctors and submitting to frightening medical procedures, it turns out that I am allergic to gluten. I personally believe that this is related to my autoimmune disorder, but I'm not a doctor.

I got an allergy test after that to see if there was anything else I shouldn't be eating. I was told that blood tests for food allergies are not always accurate, but I went ahead with it anyway. I was given a list a mile long of things I shouldn't eat. As of now, I am disregarding everything on the list except wheat, gluten, and flax seeds. Flax seeds make my mouth and throat swell up - not a good sign.

Anyway, now my immune system is attacking my lungs, which is frightening. You may remember I was hospitalized for a few days back in January. It wasn't pneumonia. It was autoimmune interstitial lung disease. My doctors are doing tests - CT scans and such - to determine how to treat me. I guess there is some debate about what type of medication I should be given. While they debate, I am seeing an acupuncturist and a chiropractor to help me manage it. I seem to be getting better. In January, I couldn't even stand without excruciating pain in my lungs. How I managed to work and walk about is beyond me. My only explanation is that after years of forcing myself to keep a calm exterior while suffering through panic attacks, I naturally can keep a calm exterior when unable to breathe, so no one is the wiser. But now I'm able to do all of my basic day-to-day tasks, teach yoga, etc. I just can't do intense cardio or lift heavy things. Zumba seems to be fine; plyometrics does not.

I have resolved to do everything in my power to regain my health. I will pray. I will do whatever the doctors tell me, unless it is stupid. If I have to, I will go Lorenzo's Oil all over this shit. I plan to use force to make my body submit to my will. Because I will not have this shit. I will not have it.

Now let us never speak of it again.

Death

Lots of times, when you're at a funeral, you hear things like "So and so wouldn't have wanted us to be sad and cry. So and so would have wanted us to celebrate her life and be happy". Well I am saying now, for the record, that at my funeral, I do not want you to celebrate my life. That's what birthdays are for. At my funeral I want you to mourn my death. Because that's what funerals are for. And you should be said if I'm dead. I'm a delight.

That being said, I am in no way opposed to the insertion of dark humor into the proceedings. Dark humor is the best and most healthy way to grieve.

For instance, I would really like it if, in secret, one of you hired 20 or 30 Yakuza members (or at least tatted up Japanese dudes who look like they could be Yakuza) to attend my funeral. They should all be wearing sunglasses, and they should speak to no one. Then they should simply leave when the service is over. You can substitute Crips, the Mafia, or any other criminal organization. Let your imagingation run wild!

Another thing I would like, is if someone places my body in a booth at the Pei Wei. As you know, the Pei Wei is the most disgusting restaurant in the world, ever. I like to think that my dead body would discourage people from patronizing their establishment. Especially if you smear some of their "food" over my face and body, making it look like the food is what killed me.

Also, Phil needs to get up at the funeral and sing "Wind Beneath My Wings". Really badly. And it will be the most awkward thing in the world for all assembled because 1)his singing will be horrible, and 2)Phil is NOT the type to sing in front of a large crowd, alone. Plus, as the griving widower, he gets to do whatever he wants. So NO ONE will allow themselves to laugh.
Even though it will be hilarious.

***Side note*** You may wonder why I assume Phil will outlive me. Here's why. I operate on a very high level of stress. And I spent the first 22 years of my life eating garbage and not exercising. Phil is the epitome of enlightenment and glowing emotional health. For instance, you know how sometimes when you park your car, people come put fliers and business cards under your windshield? Those make me angry. I pull them off and throw them on the ground, because it's not my mess, and I'm not cleaning it. Then I immediately add the company being advertised to my Book Of Hate, and resolve to never patronize their establishment. Phillip, on the other hand, calmly takes the flier and places it in the nearest trash receptacle. He doesn't get angry. Not only does he neglect to put the company in his Book Of Hate, HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A BOOK OF HATE. That's how I know he'll outlive me. That kind of enlightenment and calm will ensure that he lives forever, like Methusala or one of those Buddhist monks in the Tibetan mountains. *****

Really the sky is the limit, as far as pranks go. I honestly don't care what happens to my body after I'm done using it. Donate it to a necrophiliac. Or to drug runners in Mexico so they can smuggle drugs in my cavities. Or someone who has always been curious about cannibalism, but doesn't have the courage or sociopathic tendencies required to obtain human meat. I truly don't care. At all.

I remember a few years back, there was a cremator guy who got arrested for fraud or something like that. His cremation machine broke, and rather than fix it, the guy just buried the bodies in his back yard. And people's families LOST THEIR MINDS. They were all like "How could he do this? Waaaah! I'm so angry and upset and horrified!". I don't understand that at all. Yes, I guess you didn't get what you paid for. But your loved one is no less dead cremated than buried. The body was disposed of, which is really the point, right? I guess it would be weird to know that the urn you have is filled with regular ashes and not Grandma ashes, but as long as you got to have a funeral and grieve and let the healing process begin, what do you care if she was buried instead of cremated? The cremator guy got life in prison for this.

My only request is that before dealing with my body, you MAKE SURE I'm dead before you dispose of me. I have a morbid fear of being buried alive, you see. So play a bunch of pranks with me for a few days. Use me for target practice. Throw me in a swimming pool for 3 days with weights on my feet. Do whatever you have to do, but you must be certain I'm dead before you do the final disposal.

For this reason, I prefer to be cremated, which will most certainly assure my death. But if I am buried, for whatever reason, and you didn't keep my body out for a few days to make sure it's dead, make sure that you put an Edgar Allen Poe style bell in my grave, with my hands resting on the lever, so in case I wake up I can notify you.