My Thought Process Re: Nadia's Scars

Nadia's scars are badass.  She's such a tough little warrior.  My little Viking baby!  She should rock those scars!

Wait - what if she doesn't think they're badass, as she gets older?  What if she's ashamed of them?  What if she doesn't want anyone to know about her scars, or her heart condition?  Isn't that her business?  Shouldn't she be the one to decide if her scars should be hidden or not?  Maybe I should keep her scars hidden for now, so she doesn't resent me when she's older.

But then, what am I telling her about her scars, if I always try to keep them hidden?  Am I telling her that they're something to be ashamed of?

NO!  I'm just telling her that they're private - like genitals.  

Really, Dana?  Her heart surgery scars are like genitals?  What's wrong with you?

Ok, not like genitals.  But still, private.  Medical history is private.  Also, what if people don't know about her surgery, and they think I'm like, abusing her or somethin?  What if people see her scars and say to themselves "What is that horrible woman doing to that baby?  Has she been slicing that baby open and bathing in her virginal blood, like some ghoul in a fairy tale?  I'm going to call child protective services."

OR, what if they see the scars and think to themselves, "Wow.  Why doesn't that mother cover up her baby's scars better?  It's like she wants everyone to see what her baby has been through.  She probaly likes the attention.  She probably is one of those Munchhausen's By Proxy mothers.  She probably drank a bunch of toxic chemicals when she was pregnant to give her baby a birth defect on purpose."

Which is obviously not the case.  But still, Nadia isn't anyone's freak show to be gawked at.  I don't want people feeling sorry for her, or thinking she's sickly or weird.  

But isn't it more important that NADIA not think she's sickly and weird?  Don't I want to instill confidence in her, and teach her that her scars are a mark of badassery?

Aren't I overthinking this?  Most clothes don't even show her scars anyway, so it's a moot point.  It's not like she's going to spend her days topless.

But what about her rompers?  They ALL show her scar if the fabric shifts.  And what about swimsuits? And V neck T shirts?

I don't want other kids to make fun of her, because then I'll have to do terrible things.  

But who says they will make fun of her?  Maybe they won't care at all, as long as Nadia is confident and matter of fact about it.

In sum, I think Nadia is more likely to suffer from having a neurotic mother than from having scars.

Idea for Revitalizing The Harbor

I was talking with my mother in law today about an idea I had for fixing up my hometown area.  For those of you who don't know, the place I'm from suffers from extreme economic depression.  It used to be a logging community, and when the logging industry was drastically diminished due to environmental concerns, huge numbers of people lost their jobs.  Instead of solving the problem by developing new industries, people just decided to do meth and feel sorry for themselves.  Every so often someone decides to start a business - like a theater or a coffee shop or something - but not much sticks.  

I'm no economist, but I do know that it's going to take more than a couple of small businesses to get the place back on track.  

Here is my idea.  Please steal it.  

Grays Harbor needs an industry that plays to its strengths.  What are its strengths? An abundance of unspoiled natural beauty, and a human population who has excellent wilderness survival skills.  You see, everyone in Grays Harbor knows how to fish, hunt, find wild berries, build things, fix things and dig clams.  They know how to cook with local food.  All of them.  And because there are very few people who actually live there, and there is no industry to speak of, the air is clean, and there are trees and rivers everywhere, and you won't get hepatitis from the ocean, like in certain other places I could mention.

So.  My idea is - build a giant eco resort.  

Accommodations

The eco resort would offer three types of accommodations - 

1) Luxury log cabins, made from locally sourced wood, powered with hydroelectric power or wind power.  These would come in a variety of sizes and shapes.  All would have high ceilings, large windows, soft space rugs, organic cotton linens, etc.  Cabins would come stocked with fresh, healthful, locally made snacks, teas, etc.

 2) Luxury tree houses, some with electricity and some without.  The electricity, would of course, be sustainable, - wind or water.  These would be for the more adventurous traveler, and would have a fun "Swiss Family Robinson" vibe.  There would be rope swings, rope bridges, and spiral staircases. Some treehouses would be  connected for families who vacation together.  Some would be private for couples.

 3) Camping grounds.  For odd people who get off on pretending to be homeless.

Food

There would be an onsite restaurant which serves gourmet cuisine made from local food - salmon, huckleberries, blackberries, clams, deer (venison), elk, etc.   Because this is an all inclusive resort, meals will be included in the price of the stay.   

Activities:

* Fishing (with local guides)

* clam digging (local guides can give lessons)

* river rafting (local guide can do pick up and drop off)

* PNW cooking classes

* yoga

* pools and hot tubs (powered by wind or water)

* birding

* wildlife survival courses

* foraging classes (local guide can show guests which plants can be eaten, etc. - then they can make a salad or something with the stuff they find)

* ropes courses/zip line through the trees

* hiking (guided)

* movies

* board games

* "kids club" where adults can drop off their children for fun outdoor activities - mudpuddle stomping, etc.

* shooting/target practice

* archery

Winter/Bad Weather Activities

Of course - most of the year the weather is awful, so many of the activities won't be popular all year round.  But that's ok!  During the awful weather, the focus will be on a "retreat" atmosphere, where guests can turn off their phones, and reconnect with themselves.  

* yoga - there would be a spacious yoga studio, composed mostly of windows, to enjoy the nature without having to be outside in it.  Meditation classes also available.  Other fitness classes, if people have interest.

* movies - there would be an indoor movie theater with large, fluffy chairs.  Popcorn and other snacks would be served, of course.

* board games

* indoor saltwater pool and hot tubs. (Perhaps instead of hot tubs, they could use natural hot springs?)

* cooking classes

* arts and crafts (Native American beading and weaving?)

* hiking (hikers tend to be ok with bad weather)

* reading - there would be a large library with a fireplace and cushy chairs.  Tea, coffee and scones available.

* spa - a variety of massages and beauty treatments available - using "locally produced, organic" beauty products, of course.

* I don't freaking know.  You come up with some ideas.

I think people would actually come to a resort like this.  People have a strong desire to be in unspoiled nature, and the Olympic Peninsula could provide that.  And this would provide jobs for a lot of people - guides, teachers, servers, cooks, maids, construction crew, repair people, etc.  This would play to the best qualities in Harborites, and make use of their resources.  In order to appeal to educated, financially "comfortable" people, it would have to be  very ecologically friendly, and the words "sustainable" "organic" and "local" would have to be plastered all over everything.  It may strike Harborities as obnoxious, but it will get the job done and make people come.  Trust me on this.  Build for rich bohemians who want to get away from the city and their stressful jobs,  and they will come.  

 

My Highly Scientific Lupus Theory

For obvious reasons, I follow lupus research very closely. I recently read an article (I don't remember which journal it was in, so there will be no citations) showing that instances of lupus increase with growing urbanization. This means that as more and more people move to cities, more and more cases of lupus are diagnosed. He specifically discussed an area in Africa where there was almost no lupus until villagers began to move to large cities in search of better work, at which point, lupus diagnoses grew exponentially.

When I read that, I felt so happy, because it (sort of/kind of) confirms a theory I have held for a while now. I'm aware that the explanation for this could be that when people move to cities they have access to better medical care and are more likely to be diagnosed. I am ignoring that for two reasons. 1) It seems wrong to assume that rural doctors don't know what they're doing, just because they made the bad decision to live in a rural area. 2) It doesn't fit with my hypothesis.

Here is my theory, based on my highly scientific observations.

The human immune system evolves based on where you and your ancestors originated. You develop antibodies and resistances to the diseases which you are most likely to encounter in your part of the world. This is evolutionarily prudent, and makes total sense. So my immune system is probably much different from someone who's ancestry hails from sub-Saharan Africa, and and sub-Saharan African's immune system is probably different from someone from China. These immune system differences play a large part in physical attraction between humans. You are more likely to be attracted to someone who has different immunities than you do, because if you breed, you will make babies with super-immunity. You can actually detect these immune system differences by sense of smell. This isn't my own observation - it's actual science. Look it up.

Anyway, my point is we have different immune systems which develop based largely upon ancestral location.

Now here comes the part where I make scientific observations.

Everyone I know who has lupus has undergone a "big move" at some point before experiencing lupus symptoms. By "big move" I don't mean across town. I mean, to a different state or country. For instance, I moved from Washington to California. In addition, many of us have recent ancestors (parents, grandparents or great-grandparents) who underwent a "big move" as well - typically from a different country.

So maybe the factor isn't urbanization - moving to the city - maybe it's just moving in general.

Perhaps there are certain people - maybe people with a genetic predisposition - who's immune systems just can't handle the moving. Our immune systems are wired to deal with specific pathogens, and moving to a new location with its many new and exotic pathogens causes our immune systems to go haywire. It's like the kid who's psycho sports parent shouts too many instructions at him as he's preparing to hit the baseball, and then the coach is shouting at him too, and then his teammates join in, and the kid can't take it anymore and just throws the bat at the umpire, who is the only person who wasn't yelling at him, but he happened to be close by, so...yeah. He just can't handle all this shit anymore, dammit! And he attacks that which he should not attack.

You're welcome, scientific community.

Activities

I'm very stressed. I am trying to choose the appropriate activities for my child. According to Phillip and other hippies, I should just wait until the child gets older and let the child decide for herself what activities she would like to try. But children, left to their own devices, will only choose to play video games and chat on Facebook. You can't just hope that your child happens to have innate genius along with the self motivation to work and work and bring that genius to fruition. NO. To make a gifted child, you must MAKE it gifted. You have to give it activities and force it to practice at those activities. You have to teach it responsibility and focus and determination.

But WHICH ACTIVITIES?

Here are my ideas.

1) Violin
I like the idea of violin. Not only is it a beautiful instrument, a child can start learning it as early as age 3, giving the child the opportunity to become a virtuoso by the time she's in high school.

2) Viola
See above

3) Gymnastics
I loved gymnastics when I was a kid. If my child is "blessed" with my short, stocky stature and natural flexibility, it would be a shame to waste that "blessing". I was pretty good at gymnastics, but I never went very far with it. Now I can live vicariously through my child.

4) Mandarin
China is a big deal, and all indicators predict that they will be an even bigger world player by the time my child is an adult. It only makes sense to force my child to learn Mandarin. What if she wants to go into international business? What if she just wants to live in China for a while? How will that work if she doesn't speak Chinese? It's necessary.

5) Fencing
It's really cool.

6) Piano
I'm told that this is the best instrument to start a child on, because it provides the best musical foundation, and from there a child will be able to learn any instrument easily.

7) Martial Arts
Specifically Krav Maga. Our kid is going to be small. Let's be realistic. Being small is hard. It's unsettling to know that pretty much any one can kick your ass any time they want to. My child will never know that fear, because she will know 27 ways to kill a man with her pinky.

8) Ballet
There is a shortage of male ballet dancers. So if you have a son who is good at ballet, he will basically get free college, from the scholarships and whatnot. So if I have a son, I want to make him do ballet.

Actually, I want my girl to do ballet too.

9) Art
I suck at art and so does Phil. I never learned to do things like paint and sculpt and do crafts. I can barely draw stars. What if my child wants to be an artist? How will that happen if I don't make sure she gets art instruction from an early age? I can't rely on the schools to do it - after all, I went to school and the art projects they gave us didn't teach any real art skills - it was all pasting bits of tissue paper onto cardboard in the shape of a turkey. If my child is to be the next Frida Kahlo, I need to make sure she gets the finest art instruction.

10) Cello
It's my favorite instrument. I want my home to be filled with beautiful cello music.

11) Harp
I love the harp. Also, it's an uncommon instrument. If my child masters the harp, there will be less competition if she decides to be a professional musician. Less competition = better chance of success.

Those are my ideas for now. Ideally, I would have my child participate in ALL of these activities, but realistically speaking, we don't have the money or time.

Sigh. Decisions decisions.

Mother Shaming

About 8 of my friends have posted this on Facebook and it makes me feel angry. It's a "letter" written to a woman who dares to check her phone while watching her kids in the park. I'm going to stick up for mothers here, but before I do, here is the post that has irked me. Above the text is a picture of a woman standing 5 feet from her kids as they play, while she checks her phone. Here is the text.

"Dear Mom On the iPhone,

I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.

But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

You aren’t.

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.

He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.

Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

Play time at the park will be over before you know it.

The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”

There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.

Because they know…

You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

I know that’s not true, Mommy.

I know your heart says differently.

But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.

May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all. ♥"


Now I'm going to tear into this shit.

1) I get sick of people judging mothers for every little freaking thing. Are the kids neglected? Are they being abused? Then shut up and stop judging her. She's doing fine, and you have no business criticizing her so harshly.

2) If it were a father checking his phone as he watched his kids in the park, women would be gaga, thinking it was the sweetest thing in the world. If he checks his phone, it's probably because of something important and work related. After all, he has to provide for those kids.

But it's a woman on the phone. So she's probably just doing something "selfish" like shopping for shoes. Whore.

3) Who is writing this garbage? Maybe she should step down off her high horse for a minute and join us in the real world. Because in reality, you CANNOT devote EVERY SECOND to paying attention to your kids. It is not physically possible. And contrary to what idiots would have you believe, not every moment of childhood is precious. A lot of those moments are boring drudgery. I remember childhood. Not every moment of it needed to be recorded, savored and cherished.



This isn't the only example of Mother Shaming I've seen, it's just the most recent.

The worst thing about it is that the hyper-judgment comes from women, not men! These mothers - who should be sticking together and supporting each other - spend huge amounts of time and effort trying to tear down other mothers. I don't know why. Maybe noticing flaws in other mothering styles makes them feel better about their own parenting skills. Maybe they're just mean people.

(I know that not all mothers behave this way. I'm just talking about the ones who do.)

Look, being a mother is an important job. We all get that. But maybe take the holier-than-thou crap down a notch. The kids are gonna be fine.

My Pregnancy FAQ

Q: So, you're pregnant?
A: Yes.

Q: Are you sure? We all remember December's fiasco.
A: Yes, I'm sure. In December I had what is known as a "chemical pregnancy". That means I had a fertilized egg and tested positive for pregnancy, but the egg did not implant. It's kind of a "miscarriage light". This time I have made it to 11 weeks, and I had an ultrasound which confirmed that there was a living baby in me, with a heartbeat and body parts.

Q: Will you be posting your ultrasound pictures online so we know you're not lying?
A: No. Ew. I personally think posting ultrasound pictures online is tacky and gross, and I won't do it for the same reason I didn't post pictures of the results of my endoscopy. My insides are my own business. And the baby isn't cute yet. I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think I'm gestating a monster.

Q: It looked like a monster? What is wrong with you?
A: Well, to be more accurate, it looks like a grainy, misshapen teddy bear.

Q: It's just hit me that this child will have both the DNA of Dana AND Phillip. A child with Phillip's math skills, kindness and lustrous beard-growing capabilities - COMBINED with Dana's decisiveness, creativity and radiant skin? When will this glorious miracle child be born, that we might worship it?
A: Early to mid November.

Q: But more importantly, when can we expect this child to take over the planet, ruling with an iron fist, righting the wrongs of society and stamping out evil with her fiery sword of justice?
A: Probably not for at least 10 to 15 years, if she is especially precocious. More likely, it will be two decades.

Q: Aren't you supposed to wait to announce your pregnancy until after the genetic screenings are done, in case you choose to abort a baby that has Down's Syndrome or whatever?
A: Sigh. You had to take it there, didn't you. Please try to be more positive.

Q: You told us to be positive in the first blog, and then that baby died. Do you learn nothing from your mistakes?
A: Look, that baby was weak and couldn't hang. This new baby is strong - I heard it's heartbeat myself and it was fierce and fast and insistent. It was like "Fuck you prior baby. You were too weak to stick around, but I, your sibling, can, because I'm not a total wuss. See how strong I am! Totally alive. I will take your place and come into the Earth and drink greedily from the cup of life, guzzling like a frat boy doing a keg stand."

Q: So, how are you feeling?
A: Awful. Being pregnant is freaking awful. I'm sick all the time. All I want to do is sleep and eat and vomit. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is eating crappy food. As a result I have already gained 6 pounds, and look totally disgusting. My breasts hurt. I keep getting zits, which Never happens to me. I hate my fat body. I want some wine. I want for someone to just give me heavy duty sedatives and wake me in November when I can just have this baby and put this whole nightmarish experience behind me forever. Whoever said pregnancy is a beautiful, special time in a woman's life is a fucking liar. The other day I cried because they didn't have any nectarines in the grocery store. I sobbed like a mental patient. Over a lack of nectarines. Teaching yoga is the last thing I want to do, but I have to do it because it's my job. I have to call in sick sometimes because of the vomit, which makes me look flaky and irresponsible. I can't work out because I'm too tired and sick. I hate being pregnant. I hate it!

Thank you for asking.

Q: You sound whiny and awful.
A: That's not a question, and so I will not dignify it with an answer.

Q: But won't it all be worth it when you have your beautiful baby in your arms?
A: It freaking well better be.

Q: How many children are you planning to have after this?
A: Zero. There is no way I am doing this again. People keep telling me "You'll feel differently after you have the baby. You'll want another one." Yeah, I don't think I will. I'll have this blog to commemorate the amount of misery I'm feeling, and it will remind me if I get some kind of bizarrely specific pregnancy amnesia. Phillip wants more. I told him he is welcome to purchase a baby if he wants another one, but this is my last pregnancy.

Q: You know you're not supposed to have gained any weight yet, right? Since you're only in the first trimester? Yeah, you need to make sure you're eating only healthy food, and exercising every day.
A; FUCK. YOU. Come to my house and say that to my face. I promise, you will regret it.

Q: Have you thought of names yet?
A: Yes! For a boy, Malcolm Vaughn Hammer. For a girl, Nadia Kate Hammer.

Q: How is Phillip handling all of this?
A: Quite well. He is the master of fetching me cans of sprite. He refrains from making gagging, vomiting sounds when looking at my fat body. He has been wonderful, really. As always.

Q: Do you want a girl or a boy?
A: Meh.

Honey Boo Boo's Mother

I'm tired of hearing people call Honey Boo Boo's mother a bad mother. Here's why.

(Note. I haven't actually watched the show. I'm basing this entirely on Facebook posts and Internet headlines I've read. If the woman is actually abusing her child, please disregard this blog. But judging from what I've read, she's not a child abuser. She's just a redneck.))

POINT NUMBER ONE
Fat + Redneck does not = bad mother. It just doesn't.

POINT NUMBER TWO
Yeah, the pageants and TV show might be questionable parenting choices, but is that really enough that we can label her a "bad mother"? I reject that notion.

POINT NUMBER THREE
Most of the judgment I've heard revolves around the fact that she allows her kid to drink soda, specifically Red Bull, which she calls "go go juice".

Look. I'm sure your mothers fed you nothing but organic kale which you grew and harvested yourselves in your backyard, and which taught you a lot about nutrition and sustainable gardening practices. Great. But here's a secret for you. Most parents let their kids eat junk food. Is it good for them? No. But if you're going to get all pissy about it, you might as well just accept that you're going to be pissy for the rest of your lives. Cause it happens. All the time.

POINT NUMBER FOUR
Why does the mother get all the blame? She has two parents. It's misogynistic and stupid to talk about how awful her mother is, when her father is equally responsible for all of these decisions. I get tired of "mother blaming" when there is a father in the picture too.

CONCLUSION
I think most of the harsh judgment I hear comes from people raised in upper middle class homes in blue stares. I don't think they're trying to be mean, but I think they are disassociated from the way lower class Americans actually live. They don't understand it, and so they judge it to be "bad". I wish they would try to temper their judgment with a little kindness and understanding.