Crow Training

At a party, I recently learned that it's possible to train crows to bring you loose change that they find, and I was instantly enchanted.  That is a career that has Dana written all over it.  No phones.  No angry customers.  No forms and paperwork.  No fax machines.  Also, I like crows.  

I announced to my friends and husband that I planned to train me up a murder of crows to do my bidding.  No only would I train them to bring me change, I would train them to send letters as well.  I know eight Game of Thrones Geeks off the top of my head who I'm certain would pay me to send letters for them by crow.  

My friends and husband laughed, assuming that I was just drunk and full of bad ideas, like usual.  

They were wrong.

Of course, I had no idea how to begin.  Where does one go to find crows?  How do you make them stay?  How do you communicate with birds?  I realized that I had zero answers to these questions, and I became discouraged.  

However, one day when I was playing outside with Nadia, what should we see, but a murder of crows?  They were hanging out in the trees across the street.  I panicked, completely losing my shit.  I was not prepared!  I WAS NOT PREPARED!  I raced inside and got a piece of bread, vaguely recalling that birds like bread, and tore it into tiny pieces and threw them all over the sidewalk and yard.  The birds ignored me and flew away.

I was sad.  A friend assured me that they would come back in a week, which made me feel slightly better, but I wasn't sure I believed that it was true.

It was true.

One week later, the crows were back.  But this time, I was prepared.  I had a jar of peanuts, ready and waiting.  I sprinkled them all over the yard and sidewalk, while my two year old daughter snatched them up and ate them, giggling because Mommy was throwing food everywhere, which was obviously an attempt to create a wonderful new game.  Eventually I got her to stop eating the peanuts by simply taking her back inside.  But when I went out later to check, all the peanuts were gone.

The next day, again, Nadia and I went outside, and again the crows were there.  Again, I threw peanuts for them, and went back inside.   Repeat.  Repeat.

Then, one day, the number of crows increased.  As soon as Nadia and I went outside, they FLOCKED to my house.  It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced.  Because they didn't just hang out in a tree - they SURROUNDED us.  They landed on top of the house, on the telephone wires, on every tree in the backyard, and every tree in the front yard.  

The rush of feelings was intense.  First of all, I felt powerful and effective.  I had done it!  I was the Queen of the Crows!  But on the heels of that elation, was very real fear.  Because being surrounded by dozens of watchful crows is creepy as fuck.  

I took Nadia back inside.

Later, I told Phil about my crow luring, skimming over the amount of effort and time I'd actually spent doing it, and he was less than pleased.  Turns out, he has no desire to live in a Crow Kingdom, and was pretty adamant that I cease all crow training operations immediately.  I pouted a little, but in reality, I think I was kind of relieved.  

And so, my crow training days have come to an end.  Phil made a solid point that we don't want our house and cars to be covered in crow shit, and I do agree with that.  Also, I don't want Nadia to get her eyes pecked out if she accidentally angers them.  Crow time is over.

For now.

The Fifteen Commandments

Raising a child forces you to think a lot about morality.  Because you want your child to be a good, moral person, and it's almost entirely up to you to make sure that that happens.  So, it's important to ask yourself "What is a good person, anyway?"  That's what I've been doing, while I lay in bed at night, panicking about my parenting.  And I've come up with Dana's Fifteen Commandments for Being a Good Person.  These will be the foundation of Nadia's moral education.

So, without further ado - The Fifteen Commandments.

1) Refrain from harming others, whenever possible.  Never abuse children or animals, or anyone over whom you have power.

This is probably the most important commandment.  It's better than "love thy neighbor as thyself" because lots of people are self-hating, and they treat themselves like shit.  Also, the definition of "neighbor" is open to interpretation, which I find sort of apalling.

2) Cultivate kindness - try to always act kindly, and maintain a kind attitude.

This is sort of an extension of commandment one, but I feel it's necessary to include it.  Just so there's no loopholes.

3) Do charity.  Help others whenever possible.  Do volunteer work regularly.  

I'm trying really hard to find some kind of volunteer work that I can do with Nadia, but it's hard because she's two, and can't really do much yet.  I found one opportunity, reading to small children in doctor's waiting rooms, but I hesitate to bring Nadia into germ infested sick rooms, every week.  So as of now, I'm a shitty person.  But I'm working on it.

4) Have courage.  Stand up to cruelty wherever you see it.  

5) Have a sense of humor.  I absolutely believe that failing to have a sense of humor is a moral failing, and a rather serious one at that.  Don't be a grim, humorless douchebag.

6) Be curious.  Always be learning something, and keep your curiosity whetted at all times.  You can't force yourself to be intelligent, but you can force yourself to learn, which is just as good in most cases. Don't let your mind become dull.

7) Be an interesting person.  Never let fear of ridicule or fear of failure stop you from trying things.  It's better to do something badly than never do anything at all.  The more experiences you have, and the more things you do, the more interesting you will be/become.  Boring people are usually just scared people.  Or people who have neglected to cultivate their curiosity.

8) Monitor your words.  Don't engage in harmful or potentially harmful gossip.  Be honest whenever you kindly can.  Don't spill others' secrets.  

I firmly believe that there are such things as "good lies" and "bad lies", and you should be morally mature enough to understand the difference between "Don't worry about it.  I'm sure no one noticed the broccoli in your teeth," and "Mr. Lester is a pedophile.  Let's burn his house down."  That's why I say be honest "whenever you kindly can."

9) Be loyal.  Be loyal to your spouse,  your family and your friends.  Protect them to the best of your ability.  Don't shame them in public, even if they deserve it.  Stand up for them and help them when you can.

10) Keep your germs to yourself.  Never go out in public and/or touch things and/or cough when you're sick with something contagious.  Don't spit gum anyplace but a trash can.  Do not spit on birthday cakes.  Better yet, don't spit at all, ever.  Use condoms when you should.

11) If you develop a drug or alcohol addiction, that doesn't make you a bad person.  But you must get treatment.  Don't force the people who care about you to watch your decline, and/or support you like you're a child.

12) Don't steal anything that will be missed.

13) Sex is fine, rape is not.

14) Do not kill other people except in self defense, or as an act of kindness (euthanasia).  

15) Use birth control, preferably at all times, unless you're actively trying to get pregnant.  Yes even if you're not sexually active.  Because you never know.   Also, it's good to remember that not all sex is consensual, and you don't want to be in the awful situation of having to choose between an abortion and a rape pregnancy.  

Playing Outside

My daughter loves playing outside.  LOVES it.  She's like a little feral cat, or a hippie.  If I let her, she would spend 100% of her time outside, like an animal.

I'm told that this is a good thing, mostly by people in my parents' and grandparents' generations.  If you listen to older people talk, they basically spent the entirety of their childhoods outdoors, and it turned them into wonderful super people, and it's just a shame that kids spend so much time indoors these days, and GET OFF MY LAWN!  

In addition, there are lots of psychologists and scientists who say that fresh air and sunshine are important for healthy physical and psychological development, and you need to make sure your kids spend time outside.

Ok.  Fine.  Since the whole world seems to think that being outside is the best thing ever, I do it.  Despite the lupus, and the fact that I need a tub of hypoallergenic sunscreen and a parasol, I do it.  I dutifully take my child outside to play, every single day.

But here's the thing - I'm not entirely convinced that this is really enriching her life in any serious way.  Here are the things we do when we "play outside".

1) Trying to Fly

Nadia has a set of fairy wings that she loves to wear.  She insists that I put them on her, and then we go outside, because apparently you have to be outside to "fly".  "I FLY!"  She screams.  "I FLY!"  And so we go out, even though I know exactly how this is gonna go.

The thing is, she can't fly.  She just can't.  And if I pick her up and swing her around or attempt to assist her into the air, she gets really, really angry, because that's cheating.  She doesn't want Mommy's assistance.  She's not an idiot.  She knows that's not really flying.  And yet, her own attempts to fly are pathetic and sad, and ultimately end in tears.

Is this good for her?  I guess we'll let her future therapist decide.

2)  Bothering Ants

I don't pretend to understand Nadia's fascination with ants.  It doesn't extend to any other insects.  But any time she sees an ant, she immediately drops to her stomach and watches the ants, fascinated, unblinking, for an unsettlingly long time.  If there is a stick or a leaf nearby, she will use it to poke at them, routing them in different directions, or letting them climb on her little ramps.

I suppose this is sort of educational, in a way.  You could say that she's learning about the natural world.  But I would say overall, the education she is receiving from the ants is rather limited.  She's mostly just bothering them.

On the bright side, she never intentionally hurts them, so she's probably not doing it for psycopathic reasons.  It's not a "God-complex" thing.

3) Collecting Sticks

Nadia loves sticks.  But it's the love of a rock star for an unattractive groupie.  Brief, uncommitted, and greedy.  She wants the stick badly, until she finds a new, better stick, and then she hands off the old stick to me, the "band manager" of sticks.  Occasionally she will use the sticks to bother ants, or to brush Mommy's hair (i.e. beat Mommy in the head with a stick while saying "Nice.  Pretty.  Nice." in soothing tones)

This is not enriching.  She is learning nothing from it.  It is a waste of everyone's time.

4) Tresspassing

She loves to tresspass on others' property.  She has absolutely no concept of private ownership, and she doesn't give a fuck about your walls and fences and dogs.  The thing is, there's a really cool stick in your yard, and she wants it, and that's all that matters.  She will have that fucking stick if it's the last thing she does.  Or flower.  Or ball.  

I would just like to say, however, that if you put a koi pond in your front yard, you're kind of asking for it.  I can't imagine any child walking past it would be able to resist peering into it, at least for a minute.  You are going to have toddlers on your property if you put a koi pond there.  

Anyway, I suppose that tresspassing may actually be useful for Nadia if someday she becomes a burgler.  Or a spy.  But otherwise, no, not so much.

Side note: If you have a child, and she hangs out in someone else's yard, collecting flowers and leaves, no one looks out the window and says "Hey what's that weird two year old doing in our yard?"  Nope. NO one blames the two year old.  Instead, they'll say, "What's that woman doing standing on the sidewalk, staring at our trees?  She's got a kid with her.  Or, is she following that kid?  Should we call the police?"  You're the weirdo.  They never blame the baby.

5) Throwing Balls into the Street, Because Whatever, Mommy Will Get Them

Nadia enjoys playing with balls.  But not like, actual games.  She just throws and kicks the ball to various places, and demands that I stand in one place and occasionally throw the ball back to her when it gets lodged under the car.  No big deal.  I can do that.

Except she intentionally throws and kicks the damn ball into the street, knowing full well that she's not allowed in the street, and that I will be forced to go retreive it.  It's the most tiresome game in the world.  I tell her repeatedly not to deliberately throw it in the street.  I am cheerfully ignored.  Eventually my patience runs out, and I take the ball away, and say we have to go inside because she's misbehaving.  At which point she will demand to wear her wings and "go fly".  

You might say she's learning hand eye coordination, and getting good exercise.  You're right.  But mostly I think she's just messing with me, learning how much disobedience Mommy can tolerate before she snaps.  

Is playing outside the wholesome, enriching activity everyone seems to think it is?  I don't know.  I feel like she could learn all this stuff inside just as easily.  But it makes her happy to be outdoors, and I suppose in the end, that's what matters.  

An Open Apology

Staying indoors all day with a child who doesn't speak English that well gives me lots of time to brood. These broodings have led me to some new insights into my behavior, and I have brought it to my attention that I am sometimes unintentionally rude.  In this post I will be apologizing for and explaining my actions.

Rudeness #1: Asking if it's a child friendly event.

How its perceived: I'm putting you in an awkward position by asking this question.  If you wanted Nadia to come, you would have invited her.  But if you say it's not a child friendly party, so I should leave the kid at home,  then you feel obligated to throw a party full of hookers, pornography, cocaine, and machetes, which probably wasn't what you had in mind.

My explanation: I'm honestly just trying to figure out if I need to get a sitter or not.  

My solution: I will no longer do this.  If you don't invite Nadia specifically to an event, I will assume she is not invited.

I'm sorry.

Rudeness #2: Trying to figure out your race.

How it's Perceived: Well, I hope no one knows I'm doing it.  I'm not obvious about it, I don't make any comments, and I don't ask any questions.  At most, I might talk about my heritage, hoping that you'll chime in with yours, becoming disappointed when you don't.  BECAUSE YOU NEVER DO.

But if someone were to figure out that I'm trying to learn their race, this is what I imagine they'd think.

"Why do you need to know that?  So you can place me on some hierarchy, so you can treat me accordingly?  So you know which stereotypes to apply to me?  You're such a racist, Dana.  I hate you."

My Explanation:  NO!  It has nothing to do with racism, I swear!  I'm just curious and I want to know more about you!  Being raised in a community where 99% of everyone is white has rendered me completely unable to tell what ethnicity anyone is.  I seriously have no idea what race you are, unless you are milky pale like me.  For instance, my prom date in high school was one of the only non white people I knew, and I thought he was Indian or Pakistani, and I was surprised when he told me he was, in fact, Mexican.  His last name was Maldonado.  So you see what we're dealing with here,  I'm basically disabled at knowing your race, so it's kind of become a game for me, to try to figure it out.

Also, I'm hoping you're some ethnicity that has amazing food, and we will become friends and you'll give me your great grandmother's secret special recipe for Cambodian goulash or whatever.

I'm sorry.  Please know I don't mean anything nefarious.  I have no intention of hiding my valuables based on what I learn.

Rudeness #3: One upping your stories 

How it's perceived: You tell a story.  I tell a similar story.  You hate me because I'm trying to one up you.

My Explanation: I honestly didn't know that this was a thing that bothered people until fairly recently.  In my mind that's how conversations work.  You tell a story.  I think of a similar story, and share it with you.  We laugh over our shared experiences.  It's called bonding, you judgmental prick!  I'm trying to relate to you!  But no, you have to get all sensitive, and get all butt hurt because my story was better.

You know what?  No.  I'm actually not going to apologize for this one.

Rudenss #4: Shitting on things you love/tearing things apart

How it's perceived: "Dana is so rude.  Can you believe what she said about bicyclists?  I ride a bike, and I'm proud of it!  She obviously hates me."

My explanation:  There is no excuse.  This is the worst thing about me.  I tend to state my opinions frequently, using strong language.  I do this because I find it entertaining.  The more exaggerated I make my statements, the more entertained I am.  It makes me feel good to tear apart bad arguments, destroy bad logic, and criticize things I dislike.  It makes me so, so happy.  And I forget that most people take this kind of stuff personally.  In my mind, if I'm criticizing your wrong idea, or a show you like, it has nothing to do with YOU.  I still like YOU, even if I don't like all the things you like.  But most people don't separate themselves from their ideas or interests, and they feel personally attacked by my tirades.

This is my fault.  I AM working on it.  I'm trying to be more aware of it when I'm being negative, and I'm trying to only say nice things about the stuff people like, when I'm talking to them.  I am very, truly sorry.  

Say His Name

In the wake of yet another mass shooting, many people are calling for news outlets to maintain the anonymity of the shooter.  First of all, let me just say that I respect this position, and if you choose to refrain from using the shooter's name, more power to you.  However, though I respect this position, I disagree with it.  Here's why -

The arguments against using the shooter's name, as I understand them, are these -

1) Using his name when reporting on the shooting is somehow honoring him, and giving him fame.

My Rebuttal:

No.  It's not.  Attention is not the same as adulation.  Yes, if the news anchors were like, "The talented, brilliant and handsome Eric Cartman killed ten people today, which really showed the bastards who was the superior being.  A link to Mr. Cartman's manifesto can be found here..." OK, then yes.  That would be glorifying him, but that is NOT what is being said.  All of the attention is negative attention.

2) Giving the killer attention is giving him what he wants.  After all, these guys just do it for the attention.

My Rebuttal: 

Look.  I'm familiar with attention seeking behavior.  The nine year old who shoots spitballs in class.  The woman who has every food allergy under the sun, and is afraid of pineapples.  The guy with the obscenely huge truck.  These are all examples of things people do "just for attention".  "Mass murder" is not attention seeking behavior.  Yes, the desire for recognition may be a part of their motivations, but their pathologies go much, much MUCH deeper than "Hey, everyone look at me!"

3) Using the killer's name will give new killers someone to emulate.

My Rebuttal: 

I'm not a psychologist.  But I've read so many books about psychology, serial killers, mass shooters.  So many, you guys!  And I've watched a bunch of documentaries about this stuff too.  So yeah, I'm pretty much a psychologist. 

Mass shooters don't tend to be "copycats".  It might seem like that, because they all use guns and kill innnocent people, but they don't do it to honor other shooters, or because they idolize other shooters, at least not specifically.  Yes, they might get the idea to do a shooting because of other shootings they've heard about, but it's the actions that are inspirational to them, not the murderers.  

But aside from all these rebuttals and such, I honestly wonder: what is to be gained from preserving the shooter's anonymity?   Will prospective shooters of the future say to themselves, "Well, I was going to shoot up a movie theater today, but you know, when that last shooting happened, no one said his name, so...I guess I'll just get to work on this term paper."  

Have you ever read he Harry Potter books?  In them, the bad guy is named "Voldemort".  Voldemort is so very, very evil that most people are afraid to say his name, because it causes bad feelings.  I think this may be a part of the motivation behind the movement to stop saying the killer's name.  I think people are afraid when confronted with this kind of evil.  

But here's the thing.  By keeping the shooters anonymous, we are not helping the situation.  I honestly do not believe that keeping him nameless will act as any kind of deterrent for shooters in the future.  I truly don't believe that it will help.   What I do think it will do, is turn the shooters into nameless boogymen, which will create an even greater climate of fear.  Fear breeds irrationality.  Fear and irrationallity beget more violence.  

Worst of all, if we can't name the evil, the evil becomes disembodied and amorphous.  The shooters are anyone, could be anywhere.  And then the problem of mass shootings starts to seem like a problem that we cannot solve.  And we can solve this problem.  I truly believe that.  But we have to believe that we can, and we have to approach it rationally, without fear.

*****

Interestingly, I do think there is one good reason for maintaining the shooter's anonymity; one that's never brought up - and that is protecting the family of the shooter.  Let's face it, if people know that your brother killed dozens of innocent shoppers at a mall, people are going to look at you funny.  Employers might not want to hire you; after all, what if you're just as batshit crazy as your brother?  Would a woman want to marry into your family?  Probably not.  Even if you're the nicest, sanest person in the world, the stain of what your brother did will follow you forever.  

Stop It, Workout Instructors

I go to the gym six times per week, and I take lots of classes.  I need to work out a lot to keep myself sane, and under two hundred pounds.  And while I love most of my instructors, some of the things they do drive me insane.  Here is a list of things fitness instructors need to knock the fuck off.

1) Pretending they don't know what numbers are. 

Not all instructors do this, but enough do it that it needs to be addressed.  You'll be doing pushups or whatever, and the instructor will say "Four more!".  You'll prepare yourself mentally, rationing your energy so as to complete those last four to the best of your ability.  And the smartass instructor will go "Four, three, two, two, two, two, two...aaaaaand ONE!" and then she'll laugh.

Well, I refuse to participate in her sick games.  As soon as I've completed my four, I simply stop and stare at her until she's done pretending to be an idiot who can't count.  I urge you to do as I do.  Eventually the instructors will get the hint and stop trying to fuck with our heads.

2) Insisting that students whoop and holler like trailer trash.

Every.  Single.  Instructor.  Does this.  (Except yoga instructors, obviously.)  At some point during the class, the instructor will say "Wow.  You're all so quiet today!".  Because instructors are an extroverted bunch, and they become intensely uncomfortable with the slightest bit of quiet.  They need constant validation from their students that they are, in fact, enjoying themselves, and unless the students clap and carry on like drunks, the instructors feel blank and hollow inside.  

Dear Instructors: We do enjoy your class.  If we didn't we wouldn't come.  Not everyone likes to scream and shout, especially not when we're sweaty and breathless from exertion.  Learn to love yourself, Dear Instructor.   Your self esteem will shine from within, and it will draw us toward you, like moths to a flame.  

Or, you know, at least let us maintain what's left of our dignity.

3) Insisting that we need to burn off the claories from whatever holiday has happened recently.

I kid you not - in February, I had to hear about working off the Valentine's Day chocolate until FEBRUARY 28TH.  No one eats so much chocolate on Valentines Day that they are still working it off weeks later.  Or rather, the people who eat that much chocolate are probably not hanging out at the gym much.   But it's also Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Labor Day, whatever.  You can bet that if there's been a holiday within a week of the class you're taking, every instructor will make the same lame ass corny joke about how we need to burn off those Black History Month calories or whatever.  Stop it, Instructors.  Stop it!

4)Instructing  us how to smile.

"OK, now extend from the elbow.  And press.  Press.  Press.  And press.  Now lift.  Lift. Lift and lift.  Now bend the knees. And hold.  Pulse.  Pulse.  And turn the corners of your mouth up."  Then shel'll smile at her little joke.  She's tricked us into smiling!  Isn't that precious?

Dear Instructor:  We aren't smiling for a reason.  You are hurting us.  We are in physical pain.  Tricking us into smiling will only make us hate you.  It is not helpful.  It burns no calories.  Just let us be.