Dana: Our neighbors are assholes.
Phil: Is this about the lemon people again?
Dana: No, I'm over that, mostly.
Phil: Did someone do something you hate, like spanking their children in public?
Dana: No, but you're warmer. Here's what happened. I was driving home, past the blue house on the corner. I looked out the window and I saw this door sitting against the tree out front. The door said "Gateway to Narnia" on it. So, I pulled over to check it out, and -"
Phil (giving me a blank look): Wait. You pulled over to check it out? Were you - did you actually get out of your car, looking for Narnia, because of a door you saw?
Dana: NO! I mean, yes, I got out of my car. But I knew it wasn't Narnia. Obviously . I just wanted to check it out....just to see.
Phil (repressing laughter): To see if the door led to Narnia?
Dana: Honey, you need to focus. I got out to inspect the door, just to see what it was, and there was nothing behind it. It was literally just a door propped up against a tree.
Phil: Well, so?
Dana: Well so?! So, our neighbors are assholes! Why would they do such a thing? Why would they put a door that says "Gateway to Narnia" against a tree, with nothing behind it, so when you try the door, it just falls down on you and hurts you?! LIttle kids are going to get hurt! It's a total safety hazard! They probably enjoy it! They're probably sick bastards who like to see others in pain. They probably have a camera and they're videotaping it whenever someone comes and tries the door!
Phil (now laughing and mocking his wife openly): Wait! Did you pull the door down on top of you trying to get to Narnia? OH! Oh that is perfect! I hope they did have a camera. I would pay any amount of money to watch that.
Dana: I repeat. I KNEW that it wasn't actually going to take me to Narnia. I'm not stupid. I just...you know...wanted to see. It might have been something really, really cool. You know you would have stopped to check it out too, so don't make fun of me!
Phil (seriously): Honey, I can honestly tell you that I would not have stopped. And I would not have pulled a door on top of me. No one does these kinds of things but you.
Dana: So, what? You would just let a safety hazard sit there, uninspected? I'm a modern day Dudley Do-Right, is what I am. I'm doing the Lord's work, helping to solve problems and protect children.
Phil: Bullshit. You thought you were going to go to Narnia through a magical tree, but instead you just pulled a door down on your head and now you're pissed, because of the disappointment.
Dana (taking a deep breath): Again, I think you're losing focus. There is a larger issue at hand here. So here's my plan - I think we need to destroy the door. It's a danger and a menace. What do you think?
Phil: You want to destroy the door? And how do you plan to do this?
Dana: I don't know. With axes, I guess. We'll bash it to pieces so it can't ever trick anyone - any children - ever again.
Phil (sighing): Honey, we're not going to do that. I think you're overreacting.
Dana: I think you're under-reacting! OK, how about this? We just go and talk to them and tell them that their door is a dangerous distraction, and also a lie. And then they'll destroy it for us. Is that better?
Phil: Look - I'm very tired. I think we both need some sleep. I bet you won't be bothered by this after you get some rest.
Dana: Ok. But you'll go talk to them in the morning, after you've got some rest.
Phil: Yeah. Sure honey. I'll do that.
The door is still there.
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