Monday, June 18, 2012

If You Follow These Rules...

The world is full of health advice, and as a thinking person who cares about her health, I always try to pay attention to new health warnings, dietary rules, and guidelines for better health. Fortunately, the medical community - including doctors, nutritionists, holistic health practitioners and scientists - have made it incredibly easy to maintain your health with simple lifestyle changes. So I have compiled the following list of rules and placed them all in one place, here for your convenience. You're welcome.

You should drink as much water as you possibly can. Your body is 196% water, and you need to drink water at all times, preferably via a precious water bottle that you carry with you always.

The water you drink is full of dangerous chemicals and toxins, and drinking it is probably what is making you sick.

Melons must only be eaten by themselves. Otherwise, the melon juice will rot and ferment in your guts.

Meat is horrible and must be avoided at all costs.

Meat is good for you. Our ancestors ate lots of meat, and probably lived in a state of ketosis. You should eat meat too. For the protein and iron.

Meat is only good for you if it's free range and organic. You should hunt your own meat if you can. Eat the organs too.

Fish is the best thing ever, and you should eat many servings of it, as often as you can. The fish oils will prevent you from getting sick.

Fish is full of mercury and other harmful chemicals and should never be eaten, especially if you're pregnant.

Eggs are one of the most nutritionally complete foods in the world. You can live entirely on eggs and orange juice.

Eggs are horrible for you because they are full of cholesterol, which will kill you.

Egg whites are good for you, but egg yolks will kill you.

Potatoes are the devil, full of carbs.

Potatoes are nutritional powerhouses. With the skin, they have more vitamin C than oranges!

You should never eat potatoes, eggplant, or tomatoes, because they are in the nightshade family and will give you MS.

Pasteurized dairy will give you MS. Pasteurized dairy will kill you.

All dairy will kill you, especially the non-organic kind.

Eat yogurt every day. Yogurt is the best thing you can eat, because of the calcium, protein and probiotics.

Jogging is good excercise. Our ancestors ran a lot, and so it's good for you.

Jogging is bad for you, because it destroys your joints.

Butter is bad for your because it's fatterning and full of dairy.

Margarine is good for you because it's not as bad as butter.

Margarine is the worst thing you can eat, because it's full of chemicals and trans fats.

A diet that is low in fat is the best, because it reduces your risk of heart disease, and keeps your weight low.

A diet that is high in fat is totally fine. Fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar makes you fat.

Sugar should not even be called a food it is so bad for you. Never eat sugar. Ever.

Sugar is a natural food and is fine in moderation.

A glass of wine every day is good for you. As long as it's red wine.

Don't drink alcohol. It's bad for your liver and kidneys, and can lead to alcoholism.

Drink teas, especially green teas. They have good antioxidants, which prevent cancer.

Don't drink caffeine. It is too stimulating to the nervous system, and can be addictive.

Never drink water with ice in it. It slows down digestion.

Drinking water with ice in it is a great idea, because your body actually burns calories drinking it, because the water has to be warmed by your body in order to absorb it.

Drink a glass of water with food to aid in digestion, and to prevent you from overeating.

Never drink anything with food. Only drink before or after a meal. That way you can digest your food properly.

Eat 3 square meals a day, and don't snack between meals.

Eat many small meals throughout the day to keep your blood sugar balanced and to keep your metabolism firing.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Eat a big breakfast every day.

You don't need to eat breakfast unless you're doing manual labor. Otherwise, breakfast should consist of fruit juice or a piece of fruit.

It's best to do juice fasts frequently. This gives your body time to heal itself, because it's getting ample nutrition without having to expend energy on digestion.

Never deprive yourself of food, because that will make your body think it's starving, and your metabolism will slow.

80% of what you eat should be raw.

50% of what you eat should be raw.

Don't eat raw vegetables, because they are difficult for your body to digest.

Soy is good for you. Not only is it a healthier alternative to meat (for instance, tofu, tempeh, etc., is better for you than pork chops) if you eat 6 grams or more per day of soy protein, it reduces your risk of dying.

Soy is not suitable food for humans. There are too many estrogens in soy, which are harmful, especially for men.

Peanut butter is a good vegetarian source of protein and fats.

Peanut butter contains molds and sugar and fat and will probably kill you.

Stress is bad for you. You should eliminate stress in your life as much as you can.

Hard work is good for you. Make sure you work hard, every day.

Only eat organic, locally grown produce.

Eat a wide variety of foods!

You need large amounts of protein to build and maintain muscle.

Too much protein is bad for you. Ketosis is bad, because it is hard on your kidneys and makes your breath stink.

Dairy is good for you, because the calcium strengthens your bones.

Dairy leaches calcium from your bones. That's why the countries that consume the most dairy have the most fractures and osteoporosis.

You need 20 minutes of exercise 3 times per week to maintain health.

You need to take a 30 minute walk every day to maintain health.

You need to do an hour each day, 6 days per week, of intense excercise such as weight lifting or high intensity cardio, to maintain health.

You need to wear protective footwear anytime you exercise, for safety reasons.

You should do all excercise barefoot.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by vaccines.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by environmental toxins.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by poor diet.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by stress.

Autoimmune diseases are psychosomatic, caused by self hatred.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by a lack of vitamin D.

You should not go out in the sun, because it will give you skin cancer, and make your autoimmune disease flare.

You should go out in the sun, because autoimmune diseases are caused by a lack of vitamin D.

You should take a vitamin D3 supplement.

You need to take a wide variety of dietary supplements and vitamins for optimal health.

You don't need to take vitamins, just eat a healthy, clean diet.

Gluten will kill you.

Grains are bad for you, since the human body is designed to live on a hunter-gatherer diet.

Whole grains are good for you, because they are good for your heart, low fat, and contain fiber.

Rice is bad for you because it is a grain.

Brown rice is good for you. You should eat a lot of brown rice, since it has a low glycemic index and lots of fiber.

Brown rice is only acceptable if it's organic, and then should only be consumed in small doses.

Goat's milk is easier for the human body to digest. Try to eat goat milk instead of cow milk.

Unpasteurized dairy is bad for you and will kill your babies.

Unpasteurized dairy is good for you and is why the French don't die.

Nuts are a good source of fat and protein, and are an ideal snack.

Nuts are bad for you because they are high in fat, and are difficult to digest. They will also give you the gout.

Getting pregnant will make your autoimmune disease go into remission.

Getting pregant will kill your baby and you because you have an autoimmune disease.

Carrots are good for your eyes. Eat lots of carrots!

Eating too many carrots will make you turn orange.

Canned tomatoes will kill you.

Popcorn is a great snack, because it's fast and low calorie, as long as you con't drench it in butter or caramel or whatever.

Popcorn will kill you. Don't eat popcorn, especially the kind in the bag.

Oats are meant for horses. Don't eat oats.

Oats are good for you because they lower your cholesterol and such.

High cholesterol will kill you. Don't eat foods with high cholesterol.

Cholesterol will kill you, but it has nothing to do with what you eat. Cholesterol is produced naturally by your own body, and if it's high, it's because of genetics.

Cholesterol levels have no bearing on your health whatsoever. Don't waste your time worrying about cholesterol.

High fructose corn syrup will kill you.

High fructose corn syrup is not that bad for you. Just go ahead and eat it.

Soda is bad for you. It will give you diabetes and psychologial problems.

If you have an upset stomach, drink Sprite or Ginger Ale!

Onions and garlic are bad for you. They are not allowed in Ayurvedic cuisine.

Onions and garlic are good for you, and you should eat as much of them as you can.

Vaccines are the devil and cause all kinds of medical and emotional problems.

Vaccines have saved mankind from numerous plagues and are to be given to everyone, all the time, always.

Let's get healthy!!!