I'm no stranger to hippie food. As a former vegan, former vegetarian, former college student, yoga instructor and Southern California resident, it's inevitable that hippie food is a regular part of my life
So today when I was looking for something to eat for dinner, I did not flinch when I came across Earthly Juices, a juice bar/raw vegan restaurant in Tustin.
The menu looked pretty good, and the place was open, so I went inside. And sat there for like five minutes, because no one was there. After waiting for these few minutes I started shouting " IS ANYONE HERE?" Because that's how I get when I'm hungry. Well, out came the woman who worked there. She took a phone call, and chatted about pickle jars for like five more minutes. I took this time to look at the books there (Hippie food establishments always have libraries. It's the law.) which inlcuded books about how to like, heal your cancer by sitting on the ground and stuff. You know what I mean. Anyway, the woman, who had a glazed, tired, but not stoned look about her, finally asked if she could help me.
I saw that they had gluten free pancakes on the menu, which was exciting! I asked if they served breakfast all day. She said "Do you want pancakes?" "Yes, I would love pancakes! Do you do breakfast all day?" I repeated. "Well....I pretty much just do pancakes on Saturdays" she replied.
I laughed, because this struck me as a weird response. She said "Well....I could make up the parfait and stuff, if you want".
"No, no, that's fine" I chuckled. "It's a Saturday thing. I get it". I wondered what a parfait had to do with it, and shook my head. Hippie food.
I asked if the desserts in the dessert case were gluten free. She covered up her face with her hand and made a sound. Because she was inexplicably covering her face with her hand, I could not interpret the sound. "Pardon?" I asked. She removed her hand and made the sound again, which I could now read as "Mmm hmmm" or "yes" in laymans terms.
I asked how long it would take to get a raw portobello burger. She said no time at all. So I ordered that. She said "OK. But. Let me just wash my hands" and turned around, presumably to wash her hands. And as she left, I could not help but notice that she was wearing no panties of any kind, and her pants were far, far too low for that. I am not accustomed to seeing so much ass crack from a food server/cook, and it threw me for a few moments.
Well she made my "sandwich" and it was the hugest thing I had ever seen. It was like 8 inches high, literally. She looked at me as she finished it and proclaimed "It's so big!"
"Yeah, I have no hope of getting that in my mouth" I said.
"Well, we can cut it" she said. I was relieved, and also intrigued. I was certain that I was about to see some super chef cutting skills, as she whittled my sandwich down the size of a sandwich from the size of a lunchbox. The she took the knife and cut my sandwich in half, lengthwise.
I smacked my head with my hands and shrilled "That's not going to help!" as I dissolved into giggles.
She took this moment to take a phone call again, and put my giant, head sized sandwich into a cardboard container, along with my kale salad.
When I tried to eat the sandwich, I found that it was slippery beyond belief; totally covered in some kind of sauce and juices. There was no possible way to eat it as a sandwich. I took a fork and knife to it and decided it was a salad.
And after all that, it was actually pretty delicious.
So here's my review: Go to Earthly Juices if you want something healthy and relatively tasty. Ambiance and customer service are entertaining and....."behemian" shall we say.
