Thursday, June 16, 2016

A Blog About Phil, For His Birthday

Normally for Phil's birthday, I arrange a party, complete with cake and other people, but this June has been insane, and I haven't had the time to put anything together, and if I tried, there would be no time to schedule it, until August, at which point it wouldn't be a birthday party at all, just an ordinary party that Phil would be attending, probably.  

So this year, to honor him, I'll be writing a little blog post about him and why he's the Best Person in the World; better than pretty much anyone you can imagine.  Except for his tendency to not use turn signals, which needs improvement.

1) Phil dislikes violence.  Because of his peaceful lifestyle, he probably won't ever have terrifying flashback nightmares where I wake up and he's strangling me and crying.  He's also not likely to get into scrapes where I'm forced to bury his victims and keep my mouth shut for fear of meeting the same fate.  

2) However, Phil is not at all bothered by pretend violence in movies and on TV shows, which is very, very important if you're going to be married to me.  Which he is.

3) He keeps his mouth shut.  I don't mean he keeps secrets especially well; his secret keeping abilities are only slightly above average.  I mean he literally keeps his mouth shut, unlike some men who let their jaws drop open for no reason, making them look mentally defective.  Phil has an intelligent face, and is not at all slack jawed.  Ever.

4) He has extra bones in his feet, as confirmed by an X Ray done by a podiatrist.  I'm guessing this is because he is a more highly evolved type of human.  Nadia's children will probably be able to levitate with their feet.

5) He doesn't threaten me or issue ultimatums.  This is also extremely important if you're married to me, as threats and ultimatums make me angry and creative.  

6) He handles crowds much better than I do.

7) He's not a crybaby.  He's actually quite tough, though he would never describe himself this way.  I'm guessing he's one of those guys who would never crack under torture, if he was a secret agent; he'd just go to sleep and ignore everything, grumbling angrily and rolling away from the cattle prods.  (Notable exception: when Nadia accidentally steps on his genitals.).

8) He never makes me feel bad about it when I'm sick, even when it's an inconvenience to him and I'm being gloomy.  He has a really positive attitude about my health situations.  This is maybe the most wonderful thing about him.  Not all guys would be man enough to handle this stuff.

Are you jealous that I get to be married to him?  You should be.