Friday, May 20, 2016

The Worst Breakfast

This is the worst breakfast you could possibly eat.  I'll show you the recipe and picture first, then I'll explain myself.

Alright.  I assume you've taken that in.

First of all, I get that some people like coffee, and believe that they need it to function in the morning.  Bitter vomit flavor is appealing to lots of people.  I don't pretend to get it, but I understand it on an intellectual level.  So on its face, a coffee smoothie sounds like a pretty good breakfast idea.  You're killing two birds with one stone, getting your coffee and nutrition all at once.  But you guys, this is not the way to do it.

All this "smoothie" is is a milkshake.  Read the ingredients again.  It's coffee, ice, dairy and chocolate.  It could be argued that vanilla Greek yogurt is preferable to ice cream, but I raise my eyebrow.  It's basically the same thing.  Sugar, cream, vanilla, in that order.  

This is what will happen if you eat this for breakfast.  You will feel really happy and good while you're drinking it because of all the sugar and chocolate and dairy.  Then you will feel nauseated because you overloaded your body with this after fasting for twelve hours.  The nausea will last until around 10:00, when you will start to feel shaky and weak.  Your brow will break out in a sweat, and you'll start panting, feeling like you're having a panic attack, because your blood sugar is crashing so hard you are now not functional. 

But lunch break is still two hours away!  What are you going to do?  You need some food NOW.  You're now into the angry part of the blood sugar crash, where your heart is full of hatred for everyone around you.  Look at that guy at the copy machine.  He's a worthless piece of shit, isn't he?  Look at him, with those shoes.  Who does he think he is, the stupid motherfucker?  

Now you start rifling through your purse, hoping you've squirreled away a snack of some kind.  And you hit gold!  It's a bag of chocolate coins from that kid's birthday party you went to last weekend.  You confiscated the candy from your child, because you didn't want her to eat it all at once, and you forgot to give it back!  You realize that's a shitty move on your part, and you feel kind of bad about it, but you don't have time to sit around berating yourself for your questionable parenting skills; now is the time to get this crap into your body, with as little chewing as possible.

So you eat this entire baggy of candy.  Your body slowly starts to return to normal, which is a relief.  But then you're nauseated again, because of all the damned sugar.  You hate yourself.  Why can't you remember to pack almonds, like you always say you're going to do?  You even bought a whole bag of almonds, just for that purpose, and you meant to put them in your purse, but you forgot.  Mostly because the idea of sitting and eating plain, raw almonds makes you feel depressed, but also, partially because you honestly forgot.  

The nausea lasts until lunch time, when you're finally able to get a decent meal with protein and vegetables, but until then, you've had a shitty day full of sickness, hatred and guilt.  

So do yourself a favor.  Have some eggs and hash browns like a sane person.  

Friday, May 6, 2016

A Blog About My Daughter, for Mothers' Day

In honor of Mothers' Day, I've decided to write a post about some of the things that make Nadia the Best Little Girl in the World. Without her, Mothers' Day wouldn't be about me at all, so cheers to her for that!  Here's to you, Nadia!

1) Instead of saying, "I love you," she says "I love it."  She'll wrap her arms around me and give me a tender little hug, and say "I love it!"  At first, it freaked me out.  Like, is she channeling Buffalo Bill, pulling some "it puts the lotion in the basket whenever it's told" kinda shit?  But I've come to realize that she just doesn't get pronouns.  For instance, when she wants me to carry her, she'll say "carry you!"  She'll figure it out someday, I bet.

2) She has the worst singing voice in the world, and it's my favorite sound.  Some of her favorites are "The ABCs", "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Open Shut Them".  Usually a mishmash of all three, with counting.  She often wakes me up in the morning with her songs.

3) She likes sleeping, and goes to bed with only a minimum of fuss. 

4) She is decently smart.  At age two, she can locate the continents, count to twenty, "sing" the alphabet song, read a little, identify all shapes and colors, and manipulate the shit out of everyone.

5) She still hasn't figured out how to open a door. 

6) She believes that everyone and everything is on this planet to serve her, and to make her happy.  I find this indescribably charming.

7) She's confident!  She states her opinions and desires loudly and boldly.  She does not second guess herself.  She knows what she wants, and she does what she has to do to get it.

8) She's not a picky eater.  This is especially important in my house, as I am unwilling to accommodate any more dietary restrictions.  If she develops an allergy, or an intense dislike for a food group, I'm giving up and ordering take-out for all meals. 

9) She enjoys cleaning up spills.  

10) When we play air hockey, or "soccer", she repeatedly tells me "thank you, Mommy" and "nice one!"and "Good try!"  

As you can see, she's the best child, and I'm so lucky I have her.  She's turned me into a mushy pile of goo, and while that makes me uncomfortable, it also makes me a better, kinder person.  

Here's some Goya to counteract the mushiness of this post.