Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Comrade Molly Is Watching You

My dog is a communist. I just realized this today.

First of all, she firmly and passionately advocates the redistribution of wealth (food). When she perceives that others in her group (Phillip and I, or guests we have in our house) are hoarding food, she takes immediate action to remedy the situation (steals food off plates and counters). Molly knows that without an equitable redistribution of food among all members of the group, a hierarchy is formed, wherein some members control the wealth (food) and others must behave in a subservient fashion in order to obtain a living wage's portion of the wealth (for instance, sitting politely on the kitchen floor until those who control the food sources permit the proletariat to eat).

Molly also makes no proprietary distinctions. After all, "property" is simply a notion conjured up by the capitalists to keep the proletariat in its lowly place. For instance, many of you may remember when I came home from work to discover two strange men in the backyard, chopping down trees. Molly, making no distinction between "our house" and "your house" or "our trees" and "other trees" welcomed the strange men with happy tail wagging and frolicking. You see, a person cannot "own" a house; nor can she "own" trees. All property ownership is theft. Therefore, those strange men were completely entitled to come onto the patch of land surrounding the domicile where we happen to abide, and of course they were entitled to cut down trees. Trees are for everyone's use; not to be hoarded by us like Capitalist Pigs.

Molly is also vehemently against commercialism and technology. She merrily destroys ipad chargers, cell phone chargers and bottles of medicine. All communists know that technological advances steal jobs from the workers, further removing them from the means of production, as they become slaves to their gadgets and tools.

When I sit down to watch TV after a long day at work, Molly makes her displeasure known. Molly disapproves of me absorbing so much mind control from the corporations via commercials and product placements. Molly knows that my time would be much better spent outside doing work and activities which strengthen the community. Molly will jump on my lap, blocking my view of the screen. If I don't turn the TV off, she jumps down off the couch and goes to her leash. Then she comes back to my lap. Then she goes to the leash. she repeats this many, many times, as if she worries that I have forgotten the path to take from the couch to the leash. She will do this as many times as necessary until she can break me away from the destructive forces of Capitalist Mind Numbing Propaganda.

Molly believes that all of our time should be spent out of doors, exploring the community, chasing small animals for food, chasing toys and getting lots of exercise. She also takes objects from the yards of others (again, a total disregard for "property"), bringing them home and sharing them with us, her lucky dwelling-partners. Whether we want her to share them or not. No matter. Molly would never presume to take ownership of one of her treasures. They belong to us all equally.

Molly also does not believe in privacy. Why should someone need privacy in the bedroom, the bathroom, or any other room? After all, if you have nothing to hide, then why would you object to Molly's monitoring? That's why Molly follows us from room to room- to spy on us and report back to headquarters any unacceptable language or activities. She becomes very upset when thwarted in her monitoring, as often happens when Phillip or I shuts the door, pushing Molly outside.

I'm now going to take Molly on our daily walk, monitoring the neighborhood for suspicious activities, cats, and new unexpected food sources. Sigh.

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