Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Gateway to Narnia is Not in my Neighborhood, FYI

Dana: Our neighbors are assholes.

Phil: Is this about the lemon people again?

Dana: No, I'm over that, mostly.

Phil: Did someone do something you hate, like spanking their children in public?

Dana: No, but you're warmer. Here's what happened. I was driving home, past the blue house on the corner.  I looked out the window and I saw this door sitting against the tree out front.  The door said  "Gateway to Narnia" on it. So, I pulled over to check it out, and -"

Phil (giving me a blank look): Wait. You pulled over to check it out? Were you - did you actually get out of your car, looking for Narnia, because of a door you saw?

Dana: NO! I mean, yes, I got out of my car. But I knew it wasn't Narnia. Obviously . I just wanted to check it out....just to see.

Phil (repressing laughter): To see if the door led to Narnia?

Dana: Honey, you need to focus. I got out to inspect the door, just to see what it was, and there was nothing behind it. It was literally just a door propped up against a tree.

Phil: Well, so?

Dana: Well so?! So, our neighbors are assholes! Why would they do such a thing? Why would they put a door that says "Gateway to Narnia" against a tree, with nothing behind it, so when you try the door, it just falls down on you and hurts you?! LIttle kids are going to get hurt! It's a total safety hazard! They probably enjoy it! They're probably sick bastards who like to see others in pain. They probably have a camera and they're videotaping it whenever someone comes and tries the door!

Phil (now laughing and mocking his wife openly): Wait! Did you pull the door down on top of you trying to get to Narnia? OH! Oh that is perfect! I hope they did have a camera. I would pay any amount of money to watch that.

Dana: I repeat. I KNEW that it wasn't actually going to take me to Narnia. I'm not stupid. I know...wanted to see. It might have been something really, really cool. You know you would have stopped to check it out too, so don't make fun of me!

Phil (seriously): Honey, I can honestly tell you that I would not have stopped. And I would not have pulled a door on top of me. No one does these kinds of things but you.

Dana: So, what? You would just let a safety hazard sit there, uninspected? I'm a modern day Dudley Do-Right, is what I am. I'm doing the Lord's work, helping to solve problems and protect children.

Phil: Bullshit. You thought you were going to go to Narnia through a magical tree, but instead you just pulled a door down on your head and now you're pissed, because of the disappointment.

Dana (taking a deep breath): Again, I think you're losing focus. There is a larger issue at hand here. So here's my plan - I think we need to destroy the door. It's a danger and a menace. What do you think?

Phil: You want to destroy the door? And how do you plan to do this?

Dana: I don't know. With axes, I guess. We'll bash it to pieces so it can't ever trick anyone - any children - ever again.

Phil (sighing): Honey, we're not going to do that. I think you're overreacting.

Dana: I think you're under-reacting! OK, how about this? We just go and talk to them and tell them that their door is a dangerous distraction, and also a lie. And then they'll destroy it for us. Is that better?

Phil: Look - I'm very tired. I think we both need some sleep. I bet you won't be bothered by this after you get some rest.

Dana: Ok. But you'll go talk to them in the morning, after you've got some rest.

Phil: Yeah. Sure honey. I'll do that.

The door is still there.

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