Thursday, April 18, 2013

My Pregnancy FAQ

Q: So, you're pregnant?
A: Yes.

Q: Are you sure? We all remember December's fiasco.
A: Yes, I'm sure. In December I had what is known as a "chemical pregnancy". That means I had a fertilized egg and tested positive for pregnancy, but the egg did not implant. It's kind of a "miscarriage light". This time I have made it to 11 weeks, and I had an ultrasound which confirmed that there was a living baby in me, with a heartbeat and body parts.

Q: Will you be posting your ultrasound pictures online so we know you're not lying?
A: No. Ew. I personally think posting ultrasound pictures online is tacky and gross, and I won't do it for the same reason I didn't post pictures of the results of my endoscopy. My insides are my own business. And the baby isn't cute yet. I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think I'm gestating a monster.

Q: It looked like a monster? What is wrong with you?
A: Well, to be more accurate, it looks like a grainy, misshapen teddy bear.

Q: It's just hit me that this child will have both the DNA of Dana AND Phillip. A child with Phillip's math skills, kindness and lustrous beard-growing capabilities - COMBINED with Dana's decisiveness, creativity and radiant skin? When will this glorious miracle child be born, that we might worship it?
A: Early to mid November.

Q: But more importantly, when can we expect this child to take over the planet, ruling with an iron fist, righting the wrongs of society and stamping out evil with her fiery sword of justice?
A: Probably not for at least 10 to 15 years, if she is especially precocious. More likely, it will be two decades.

Q: Aren't you supposed to wait to announce your pregnancy until after the genetic screenings are done, in case you choose to abort a baby that has Down's Syndrome or whatever?
A: Sigh. You had to take it there, didn't you. Please try to be more positive.

Q: You told us to be positive in the first blog, and then that baby died. Do you learn nothing from your mistakes?
A: Look, that baby was weak and couldn't hang. This new baby is strong - I heard it's heartbeat myself and it was fierce and fast and insistent. It was like "Fuck you prior baby. You were too weak to stick around, but I, your sibling, can, because I'm not a total wuss. See how strong I am! Totally alive. I will take your place and come into the Earth and drink greedily from the cup of life, guzzling like a frat boy doing a keg stand."

Q: So, how are you feeling?
A: Awful. Being pregnant is freaking awful. I'm sick all the time. All I want to do is sleep and eat and vomit. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is eating crappy food. As a result I have already gained 6 pounds, and look totally disgusting. My breasts hurt. I keep getting zits, which Never happens to me. I hate my fat body. I want some wine. I want for someone to just give me heavy duty sedatives and wake me in November when I can just have this baby and put this whole nightmarish experience behind me forever. Whoever said pregnancy is a beautiful, special time in a woman's life is a fucking liar. The other day I cried because they didn't have any nectarines in the grocery store. I sobbed like a mental patient. Over a lack of nectarines. Teaching yoga is the last thing I want to do, but I have to do it because it's my job. I have to call in sick sometimes because of the vomit, which makes me look flaky and irresponsible. I can't work out because I'm too tired and sick. I hate being pregnant. I hate it!

Thank you for asking.

Q: You sound whiny and awful.
A: That's not a question, and so I will not dignify it with an answer.

Q: But won't it all be worth it when you have your beautiful baby in your arms?
A: It freaking well better be.

Q: How many children are you planning to have after this?
A: Zero. There is no way I am doing this again. People keep telling me "You'll feel differently after you have the baby. You'll want another one." Yeah, I don't think I will. I'll have this blog to commemorate the amount of misery I'm feeling, and it will remind me if I get some kind of bizarrely specific pregnancy amnesia. Phillip wants more. I told him he is welcome to purchase a baby if he wants another one, but this is my last pregnancy.

Q: You know you're not supposed to have gained any weight yet, right? Since you're only in the first trimester? Yeah, you need to make sure you're eating only healthy food, and exercising every day.
A; FUCK. YOU. Come to my house and say that to my face. I promise, you will regret it.

Q: Have you thought of names yet?
A: Yes! For a boy, Malcolm Vaughn Hammer. For a girl, Nadia Kate Hammer.

Q: How is Phillip handling all of this?
A: Quite well. He is the master of fetching me cans of sprite. He refrains from making gagging, vomiting sounds when looking at my fat body. He has been wonderful, really. As always.

Q: Do you want a girl or a boy?
A: Meh.


  1. Oh Dana, congatulations. I didnt know. I hope youre comforted in knowing i bitched and moaned throughout my pregnancy woth my daughter 18 years ago, comforted only by large amounts of frozen yogurt...and anything else. Lots of people will give you advice, even if you didnt ask for it. Someone told me once to answer people that ask too many questions "WHY DO YOU ASK?" That helped a lot when askedif i was STILL breastfeeding, or if my baby slept in our bed or not. Its not anyones business but yours. But the sisterhood of women can be very supportive, so find the women who are the leadt annoying..and stick with them.
    I also said i would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have another baby, but i did. But only by c-section, on a planned day, on lots of meds. And im so glad i did. Poof! 18 years later im finally able to go out and take a yoga class without guilt, or bringing a baby along. Youll do great dana, find what food or clothing or whatever that comforts you, and settle in. You will be a great mom, dont worry.

  2. Thank you Jodie! It's so nice to hear positive stuff like that! :)

  3. Hang in there Dana.... you could have a child at the end of all this that is a sweet and wonderful as Phillip.... I did....and you know how that turned out.... so...we love what you want... exercise when you want and cry if you feel like it... this too shall will be a great Mom..... remember to tell Phillip to fetch is his contribution...................

  4. Thanks Tori! I hope very much our kid is as awesome as Phillip. :)

  5. When I was pregnant I could only eat pizza and progresso chicken soup for the first trimester. There will only be about four things you can eat comfortably, and 3 of them will be crap. The last will be out of season fruit. Pregnancy causes things like cravings for Dole whip that last so many months they drive you back to the tikki room for the first time in two decades. It is horrible and strange and pukey, and even after having a beautiful healthy baby I still hold firm to Indian surrogate for number two.

  6. YES! Crap and out of season fruit is all I want! Haha.