Sunday, February 20, 2011

Awesome Jobs I Can't Have

I would love to be a detective. I have no desire to go to any kind of detective school or police training, but I would love to have a brick-walled office where people would come hire me to find their missing relatives and discover if their spouses are cheating on them. I would wear an awesome top hat and hand around in dramatically lit alleys, my cunning eyes shifting from doorway to doorway as I stalk my prey.

Another cool job would be "Mythbuster". I want to be on that show so very, very badly. It's true that I have no professional scientific training, and no experience using power tools or building anything, but I'm a creative problem solver, and I'm very good at coming up with experiments. I could be the show's "Idea Person"; also I would be happy detonating explosive devices.

Ideally, I could make my living as a treasure hunter. I would get a ship, preferably an old timey one with sails, permeated with the fragrance of salt-cured wood and adventure. I would sail all around the Carribean and the coast of Florida, retrieving sunken Spanish gold and jewels. I would wear baggy, rolled up pants and learn to play the harmonica, which I would play while lying in a hammock on deck. I would probably discover a nest of giant squids or some kind of leviathan, or maybe even a brand new species of monster, which would of course be dubbed "The Dana Monster".

This might just be an extension of the Mythbusters fantasy, but I would also love to be an inventor. I would love to just work in my garage, making and doing and experimenting. I love the way garages smell; that smell of oil and wood and machinery. I'm aware that that's strange. But it is an environment that is conducive to productive thought and creativity. Sadly, I have no mechanical knowledge whatsoever. I have trouble screwing in garden hoses. It takes me 20 minutes to change a light bulb. So yeah, this career is out probably.

You know what is NOT my dream job? Sitting in a cubicle being boring all day.

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