Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dana's Guidelines For A More Sanitary World

Here are some easy and overlooked ways of preventing the spread of germs and diseases. Everyone knows about hand washing and covering your mouth when you cough, but here are some things that no one seems to think about. Except me.

1) Do not lick your fingers while going through a stack of papers, leaving little slimy saliva spots on the paper. It's gross, and completely unnecessary. If you can't separate a piece of paper from a stack of papers, the problem is not a lack of saliva on your finger. The problem is a lack of finger coordination/manual dexterity. If you MUST have moisture, at least use lotion or hand sanitizer, or anything less gross than your body fluids.

2) Smash all coffee cups with thick rims. It is impossible to drink from them without dribbling down the side, which means your saliva and whatever you are drinking combine into a germ-slurry, eventually winding up under the mug or on the table or on your clothes, or some combination of the above. The next time you're given one of these mugs, I recommend "accidentally" dropping it on a hard-surfaced floor.

3)Don't blow out candles on birthday cakes. Many of you already know my feelings on this, but it's an important issue, and bears repeating. There is no reason to ruin a cake by coating it with saliva. I get that it's tradition, but just because something is traditional, doesn't make it OK. You know what else is traditional? Slavery. Just sayin.

4)Don't bob for apples. I don't know who started this, but it's the most disgusting game in the world. It's making a nasty soup of apples, water, snot, eye drops and face oil. A soup that you are ingesting. It's just shy of cannibalism and it's not even fun.

5) I have seen waitresses clear a table of dirty dishes, used napkins and other debris, and then deliver NEW food to a different table WITHOUT washing her hands in between. That's right. She was handling plates of nasty and the she used those same hands to to deliver you your clean food. Different people should be in charge of those jobs at all times.

6) Money needs to be cleanable. Look at a dollar bill. Think about it. How many strippers' panties has that dollar bill been in? How many nasty, filthy people have had their hands all over it, in their sweaty pockets and in their stinky shoes? Who decided that paper is a good choice for this? Of course, in the electronic age, cash is becoming obsolete anyway, but we're not there yet. So in the meantime, can't it be made from washable plastic? In fact, we could recycle garbage plastic to make it! A much better idea than herpes and antibiotic-resistant-tuberculosis ridden papers.

7) Don't drink communion wine directly from the cup. I know this is gonna be a controversial one. I'm not saying don't have communion wine. I'm just saying do it dipping style, where the priest dunks your communion wafer into the wine and gives it back to you. Sharing one cup was all well and good back in the day, before we knew about communicable diseases, but we know better now. You can still participate fully in the Eucharist without spreading your diseases all throughout the congregation. Making others sick is not very Christian of you. Fortunately, the church service I go to is full of like minded individuals. But every once in a while some new people come in and I always want to go up to them before the service and say "Yeah....so in this church? We don't drink directly from the cup...." But that would be rude, I think....

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