I'm Really Bad at Small Talk

So if you know me, which you probably do if you're reading this, you know I suck at small talk. I don't like it, I don't understand it, and I feel unbelievably fake when I do it. The fact of the matter is, I don't find the weather that interesting, and I'm already aware of which day of the week it is; and so belaboring it irritates me.

That being said, I do engage in it from time to time. You should know that if I've ever discussed the weather, the day of the week, how close we are to Christmas, how you're tired in the morning, or anything in that vein, it's because I like you and want you to feel comfortable with me. Because for some reason that I quite honestly don't understand, that kind of talk puts people at ease and makes them think you're a nice person, whether you are or aren't.

The thing is though, I don't believe that these people are actually interested in the topics they discuss. I don't believe it's possible that they actually care that much. But, inexplicably, they insist on these conversations anyway. And if you don't start a conversation this way, people with think you're strange and will cease to talk to you at all.

So I submit a solution. No one could possibly like these conversation starters. So it's time to come up with some new ones. Here is a list of suggestions for "Conversation Starters for 2011". We should all agree that these statements are socially acceptable ice breakers from now on. Let's make this happen, and none of us will ever be bored again.

1) I have a secret.
2) You are the most stunningly beautiful creature I have ever seen.
3) So what do you want done with your body when you die?
4) What do you think life would be like today if the South won the Civil War?
5) If you could eliminate one animal off the face of the earth what would it be?
6) Shall we bust into a pig farm and set all the pigs free?
7) I own a hot air balloon.
8) Campaign finance reform - your thoughts?
9) Leibnitz or Sir Isaac Newton?
10) I believe (or don't believe) in UFOs, (or ghosts or the Loch Ness Monster or whatever)
11) We should go treasure hunting!
12) Do you know the difference between decapitated and disembodied? I do. It's an important distinction.
13) I have some extra bubbles in my purse. Let's blow bubbles!
14) I own a pomegranate tree.
15) Would you rather be blind or deaf?
16) Would you rather be a blithering idiot but incredibly happy, or a super genius suffering from major depression?
17) I've got a flask full of bourbon...
18) What is your favorite flower?
19) What is your favorite quote?
20) I like you.

If these don't catch on that's ok. Just please excuse me when I act awkward and socially retarded when you tell me you're really bummed that it's Monday.