Sunday, January 23, 2011

Places Where You Will Be Raped

There are three places where you will, absolutely, be raped. These places are: rape vans, sheds, and the Congo. This blog is about spreading awareness. Most people think of rape happening in alleys behind bars or frat parties. But these other places aren't given as much attention, and I feel that is a shame.

Where I used to live, there was a creepy rape van in the parking lot. I would like to first clarify that not all vans are rape vans. There are legitimate reasons for owning and operating a van; for instance you have a band and need to transport musical equipment in varied weather, or you are a large family and need lots of places for people to sit during travel. Rape vans differ from regular vans in that they have an air of unspeakable evil radiating from them. This particular van was huge and completely unmarked. It was painted a plain white and was conspicuously inconspicuous, as if to say "Don't look over here". But the creepiest part was that THE WINDOWS WERE COMPLETELY SPRAY PAINTED BLACK. Why? What is he hiding in his van? Whenever I had to walk past the van, I would rush, chanting to myself "He just likes to have CONSENSUAL sex with his ADULT partner. CONSENSUAL sex with ADULT partner", but I knew in my heart that that couldn't possibly be the reason.

If you remember my myspace blog, you know how I feel about sheds. Nothing good happens in a shed. If you have a garage, there is no reason to have a shed, except for raping, animal torture, or slave confinement. When Phil and I were looking for houses, I flat out refused to even consider a house that had both a shed and a garage on the property. I could bring in an exorcist and burn that thing to the ground, and I would never completely rid the property of the evil perpetrated upon it. I don't know that I believe in ghosts, but if there are such things, they would most assuredly haunt the area where they were raped, murdered, and possibly buried. One time we looked at a house that had a shed in the backyard and Phillip, trying to break me of my "irrational" fear, make me look inside it. Do you know what was in it? A mattress.

A mattress.

Phil said, "It's nothing scary. Someone was probably just sleeping out here."

My point exactly Phil. No one sleeps in a shed voluntarily, especially when there is a garage present.

If I were a writer for "The Onion", my first article would be titled "Congolese Man Has Consensual Sex With Wife". Because you have never, ever heard a story regarding the Congo that didn't involve rape. They rape everyone, for all kinds of reasons. You can be sure that if you run into a man in the Congo, he will rape you. They do this supposedly because they are at civil war, and this is how they crush their enemies blah blah blah. They have public rape ceremonies where they kidnap people from the opposing tribe and rape them in front of everyone. Now, I understand that war creates all kinds of horror, but the Congo has become a place where they do nothing but rape each other. There doesn't seem to be much point to them other than the raping.

So why am I bringing all this up, you may ask? Because I have an action plan. Here is my three-point-plan for eliminating insidious rape risks.

1) It should be illegal to spray paint your van windows. I'm generally not ok with the government making decisions about what people do with their private property, but in this case, I would make an exception. There is no wholesome reason for blacking out the windows of your van. You are a dangerous person.

2) People who own both sheds and garages should be subject to random inspections. (Please note that if you have a shed and NO garage, you are exempt. Because you could legitimately need the shed for storage or garden tools or whatever.) The inspection team would check for living people and animals of course, but also for "DNA", animal blood, bones of various kinds, or any evidence that missing persons may have been in the shed at any point. Additionally, there should be public service announcements telling children that they must never, ever enter a shed with an adult, even if he says he has a really neat "tool" to show you.

3) The Congo needs to be fixed. Those people clearly are not up to the task. So we should offer to govern their country for them. If they refuse, perhaps some other country could step in and run the country for them. Not Belgium, since there's too much bad blood, but maybe Australia or New Zealand. They haven't had their chance to take over a country forcibly yet; it would probably be fun for them. Or even South Africa or Egypt. Really anyone other than the Congolese themselves. If all else fails, the place needs to be nuked. I am a non-interventionist by nature. I don't like war or killing, but the Congo is just a place of unremitting evil. All they do is rape and kill and spread AIDS and they seem to have no interest in any other way of life. If they would just knock off the constant rape I would say "Let them do their thing. It's not our business". But I think they, as people, are too far gone at this point to recivilize themselves. They need outside assistance. Of course, the victims should be removed from the Congo before any violent action is taken against it, provided that the victims were not also rapists.

Of course, my blog is intended as humor, but just so you know, I'm not exaggerating about the situation in the Congo. Here is a link, if you're curious:


  1. So, what if the property were to have two sheds to make up for the lack of garage? Hmm? Wait, I think I know what your response may be and I pose it to you that you have, in fact, visited me at my old house with said two sheds (one of which was occupied by exceptionally vocal squirrels) and the other merely full of junk. I can pretty much guarantee there wasn't any raping going on while I was there unless the squirrels were out jumping people...scary thought.

  2. I totally don't remember there being two sheds. Don't worry, though, I know you weren't rapists. But probably whoever owned the property before you was. As for the squirrels, I can't say. Squirrels are pretty gross.