Friday, January 7, 2011

Yes, I Do Have This Much Hubris. Let's Make Some Dinosaurs.

So I know the whole point of "Jurrasic Park" was "don't make a Jurassic Park or monsters will eat you" but I think this point of view is limited and depressingly pessimistic. (Yes I also know the movie/book are old at this point, and no one cares anymore, but I can't help myself. I think about Jurassic Park all the time. Like several times per week.) It reflects a sort of Luddite, anti-progress mentality that I just can't support. After all, however much it frightens people, we mess with nature all the time. Harnessing electricity, keeping dogs as pets, wearing shoes, eating Doritos and airplanes are all the results of humans messing with nature, and all of them have their dangers. But we are willing to accept those dangers because the benefits, relative to the risks, are greater. I think the same can be said about a true Jurrasic Park. Here's why.

All of the things that went wrong in the Jurrasic Park could easily be remedied.

1) Assuming that keeping all female dinosaurs would prevent reproduction when the dinosaurs were cloned using DNA from animals who switch genders. I don't think real scientists would make such an elementary mistake. Even I wouldn't have made that mistake, and I have no scientific training whatsoever, other than a few classes I took in school. If we were to make an actual Jurassic Park, we would have to operate under the assumption that the animals would reproduce unless their sex organs were removed. Alternately, they could simply let them breed and "thin their numbers" when necessary; though for obvious reasons I prefer the neutering method. More humane and such.

2) Far too much power was invested into the greedy fat man. So when he succumbed to his avaricous inclinations, causing a security breech and allowing the dangerous dinosaurs to run free, he messed things up for everyone. In reality, of course, people often screw up, and many are untrustworthy. THAT IS WHY YOU DON'T GIVE ALL THE CONTROL TO ONE GUY. Who does that? Were they totally retarded? I mean, he expressed himself as a lazy asshole pretty early on in the movie. Did they not think to hire another guy to maybe, I don't know, help with security? They probably wouldn't even have needed to hire someone. I would have happily volunteered my services.

3) But let's say they didn't take either of my two suggestions into account. Even so, we have weapons! Humans are really, really good at killing things. It's honestly what we do best. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. Is Michael Crighton honestly suggesting that we couldn't handle killing a bunch of overgrown lizards? We kill species every day without even trying. If we put our minds to it, we could kill those dinosaurs if we had to, for sure. Hell, just bring in a bunch of Harborites with only half of their hunting guns and the situation would be handled, right quick. They would probably pay for the opportunity.

Whether or not a Jurrasic Park is scientifically feasible is a question best left to scientists. But as to the logistics of it, (were it possible) I feel I am more than qualified to advise on this matter. I'm a very good contingency planner, and I know a bit about killing stuff and controlling stuff. And apparently I'm smarter than Michael Crighton and all the movie producers, since I thought of ways around these problems and they didn't. A Jurassic Park would be the coolest thing ever. I think about it all the time, hoping that someday, somehow, it comes to fruition.

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