Monday, January 10, 2011

My Awesome Ideas That Everybody Hates

I'm an idea person. I always have ideas for how to make things better or worse or at least funnier. Unfortunately, people don't agree with my ideas most of the time, so they don't get implemented. Because, while I have the ideas, I am strictly a "big picture" person. I hate details and suck at actually doing anything useful. Therefore I can't do anything myself. So here is a list of some of my ideas for improving the world. Do with them as you will.

1) Voting. I don't think just anyone should be allowed to vote. Most people are ill-informed, not bright and biased in irrational ways. So, I think in order to vote, you should first have to pass a test. The test should be free of course, and available to all citizens, equally, as long as they are over the age of 21. Yes 21. The test will ask you some basic questions about current events (nothing opinion oriented, obviously, strictly questions about well known facts, to make sure the person is living in our current reality). The test will also test your ability to determine cause and effect and reach logical conclusions based on sample evidence. These questions would be in no way political; they would be IQ test style questions - that would help prevent bias in the testing. The goal is just to make sure that voters are reasonable, moderately aware citizens.

2) Jury Duty. Again, I don't think jurors should be "just anybody". Anybody interested in serving on a jury would have to submit to a personality test. This test, like the voting test, would be free of charge andd available to all, equally. The personality test would make sure that you are capable of independent thought and objectivity. They should also be capable of standing up for what they believe in; they should not be "followers". Not all people are capable of these personality traits, which I believe are the most important traits a juror can possess. It is terrifying how many juries are comprised of irrational, emotionally driven, easily duped, weak minded people. Lives are ruined because of this and I find it profoundly disturbing.

3) Flight attendants. We don't need 'em. Fire them all. They can get jobs at Denny's; it will be fine. What is the point of them? Seriously. I would be happy to get my own food and beverages from a vending machine, or bring them on the plane myself. In exchange, there will be no roaming enforcers of arbitrary, superstitous rules, and no stupid speeches at the beginning of the flight to lure you into a false sense of security. Because here's some news for you. There is no safety plan if the plan crashes. That speech is bullshit. Nothing you do or don't do will save your life in the event of a plane crash. It's not in your control. It's up to God, luck, and possibly your ability to trample others to escape from the wreckage; in that order. Reduce my plane fare, leave me alone with my gadgets, and I will be happy to get my own drink.

4) Fruit trees in parks. It seems utterly wasteful and stupid to me that cities pay huge amounts of money to grow trees in parks that bear no fruit. Basically they just suck up water and that's it. If they planted fruit trees, we would still have shade and nature and whatnot, but the trees would give back fruit. Food! Anyone that wanted to could pick the fruit. Kids on the way home from school could pick a healthy snack. Homeless people could pick themselves a nice breakfast. The benefits are so great, that I can't believe no one has done this.

5) Meyers Briggs. Everyone should be forced to take this test. More importantly, everyone should read about my personality type (INTJ)so you can deal with me better. I honestly think there would be a lot less tension and fighting in the world if we all just took the time to understand each other better. I know I sound like a hippie, but shut up. I'm right.

6) Age of adulthood. This should be 21, not 18. Your brain isn't even done developing until you're 21. And honestly, not matter how high your IQ, before the age of 21 you are retarded. You just are. You can't help it.

7) Robot wars. I truly believe that wars should be fought with robots. Wars fought by killing people just seems so...primitive. This should have ended when we decided to let black people use our bathrooms. Humans have evolved past this nonsense. That's why soldiers get post traumatic stress syndrome now. You never heard of that 100 years ago. Because those people were different than we are. They locked children in closets for masturbating. They approved of wife beating. They had laws preventing ugly people from coming outside. Or at least Chicago did. My point is, these people, our great grandparents etc., were horrible, awful people. Truly heinous. Why should we follow in their footsteps? We shouldn't.

So, lets all agree that from now on, wars will be fought with robots. Countries could even charge admission so we could all go watch "war". That would raise money! Whoever wins the robot war is the victor and whatever the problem was will be settled by the results. Yes, the more technologically advanced societies would always win, but that's how it is now to be fair, and at least the robot way no one would get killed.

8) Mandatory organ donation. If you die, the world has a right to your organs, as long as they are healthy and free of communicable diseases. You don't need them anymore. You aren't alive. When you are alive, of course, you have a right to your own organs, because they are your property, and no one should be able to take them from you. You're using them. But if you are dead, you can't own property. This isn't ancient Egypt where you have to keep everything with you because apparently the afterlife won't have any stuff in it. If you deny some suffering, dying person your organs "just because" you're a dick. And as a dead person you have no property rights. Intervene, government. Organs must be donated if the person is dead.

9) Christmas in August. Let's face it, no one likes traveling in December. It's dark and it's cold and you know your flight will be cancelled or delayed due to the terrifying ice and snow. That kind of weather is really better suited to staying inside and drinking bourbon and reflecting on all that his horrible and dark inside you. It's not an occasion for celebration. It seems all wrong to pretend that things are jolly when all inside you is bleak and cold. Plus Jesus wasn't even born in December! We just celebrate it then because the church wanted to replace the pagan solstice holiday with a Christian one. It's an arbitrary date. So let's move it to August! There's no big holiday in August anyway, and jolliness and merrimenet come naturally in August because of the sunshine and warmth. It's a great time to travel, because the weather is great, and everyone is happy! The kids are already out of school! People would enjoy shopping much more too if they didn't have to wait outside Best Buy in the freezing cold for 7 hours. Move it to August and watch happiness multiply!

10) Arranged marriages. We all know a few people who are hopeless. They make nothing but bad relationship decisions. It doesn't matter what advice you give them. It doesn't matter how badly or frequently they get their hearts broken. They will always make the wrong choice, because they have deeply flawed decision making skills. Ideally, you could just follow these people around with a stick and hit them whenever you see them eyeing the obvious douche bag in the bar with lust, but that would be invasive and far too time consuming. So instead, there should be "Relationship Interventions". The friends and family of the romantic retard would gather together and confront the retard, just like they do to drunks. They would sit down and say "We're concerned about you. This is the fifth time you've dated a girl who wears way too much mascara, believes she was abducted by UFOs, and cheated on you with all your friends. You are not capable of making healthy relationship decisions, and we are worried about you. So, we have picked out a lovely girl for you to marry. Her name is Jane, and you're getting married next week. If you don't agree to the match, we are prepared to cut off contact with you indefinitely. We cannot stand by and watch you sabotage yourself. In addition, if the behavior continues, we are prepared to have you declared mentally incompetent and have you institutionalized. Now, we have Jane coming over for dinner tonight, but the ball is in your court. What do you say, buddy?"

11) There should be a law stating that no one can talk bad about Mr. Rogers.

12) Hoarders who hoard animals should be jailed, not helped. It's one thing if you want to live in filth by yourself, but if you drag helpless animals down with you, keeping them in cages so their legs atrophy and they get open sores from lying in their own feces, I don't feel sorry for you anymore. To jail you go.

13) There should be a vegetarian or vegan fast food chain. Because darn it, sometimes we want to eat on the go too. At the very least, the existing fast food chains should offer grilled cheese sandwiches. I can't believe they don't, actually. It's just bread and cheese. It would be so easy! Just get on board fast food chains!

14) If doctors don't have time to deal with their patients, they should take on fewer patients, rather than doing a half assed job with a large amount of patients. I could have started taking vitamins without your advice Dr. Demoui. I get that you are very busy and important, but you know what? So am I. I resent you lack of attentiveness and the fact that you didn't do your job and you're still going to get paid.

15) There should exist a non-profit that is a free 24 hour driving service for the elderly. They would pick up the old people and drive them wherever they want to go, within a 100 mile radius, whenever they want. That way no one has to feel guilty for taking away an elderly relative's drivers license, because they will be able to go anywhere they want, whenever they want, free of cost of course. The roads would be safer, and fewer old people would become home-bound.

16) They should stop making work desks, chairs, sofas and cars for giants. I'm aware that most people are taller than me, but for crying out loud. Sitting anywhere is just awful for me unless I can put my feet up, because otherwise they dangle and my knees start to hurt after a while. Just annoying.

Anyway, these are a few of my ideas. Your thoughts?


  1. Dana,

    I agree with you on the voting and jury duty. I've ran into sooo many people who said they voted for the person that looks better or wears nicer clothes....

    Flight attendents... hmmmmm... They do come in handy when that jackass sitting in front of you doesn't want to pull their seat up to an upright position for landing and if we were able to go get our own drinks at a vending machine, I can just envision all kinds of craziness with people stuck in the walkway and people falling flat on their face thereby spilling their beverage over everyone.

    Robot wars... fantastic idea! Would be a fun thing to watch and would not result in death of soldiers. Horay!

    Mandatory organ donation. Sorry girl, I'm asian and we superstitious. We don't donate our organs after we dead cause we just don't. I'm all for donating my organ while I'm alive to save a family member. But when I'm dead, I'm going to heaven in one piece and don't want part of my innards galavanting around on earth making me an incomplete soul and have to sit there at the gates of heaven and wait till my old organ's new owner dies so I can be reunited with my innards. Yes... I DID say superstitious.

    Arranged marriages would mean you have to make the effort to find a mate for that retarded friend who cannot make good decisions about relationships. Maybe those type of friends just aren't meant to marry since that would lead to reproduction, thereby bringing more relationship challenged into this world.

    Hmmmm a non-profit that is a free 24 hr driving service for the elderly. A great concept. You should take that one by the horns and go with it.

  2. I didn't know there were religious reasons for keeping your organs. Hmmm. I would be willing to grant an exception for that, but ONLY for that. Good to know, Ann.

  3. Jack in the Box has grilled cheese sandwiches.
    - Cheyenna

  4. I love it when I come acroos ideas that are unique. So often, my own ideas get beaten down because I think differently than the majority on many topics. My only disagreement here is the organ donation--I've read that organs can store memories; no offense, but I don't want to gift some poor soul my bad memories. I have enough trouble with those myself. Which is why I am not currently a donor--because I believe there is a fate worse than death--living with memories of how people have abused you or something is not fun, and is not something I'd wish on anyone. If I ruled the world, organ donation would operate on an opt-out program instead of an opt-in one. On your driver's liscense or ID form, you'd have to state why you are opting out. If you fail to do so, then you are essentially giving permission for your organs to be donated.

  5. Yeah the idea that you could inherit someone's memories along with their organs is a scary one. Ive never been given an organ, so I can't speak to the truthfulness of that claim, but depending on the person, you could have some messed up stuff in your head. Personally though, I would take the bad memories in exchange for keeping my life. Plus, maybe I could become some kind of psychic crime fighting mystery solver!